Believe it or not, you are just like her
As I had lots of time over the weekend, I flicked through Netflix to find something to watch. I came across Nurse Jackie which I remember you watching and saying was good.
And then as I watched it I saw you and I.
I saw all the same excuses and lies, I saw all the same behaviours. Her problem may be drugs, yours may be alcohol, but everything was there.
She has no desire to give up the drugs, still layering excuse upon excuse. Justification upon justification.
Even when she has lost her children, she still keeps on doing the same things.
And her friends keep enabling her. They think they are helping, but they are making her problem worse.
And every episode hurts, and I keep watching hoping to see something that works.
Every episode someone tries to help her, and in every one she lies to them, twists and turns, all because the addiction is more important to her than her husband, her children, her friends, her work. She tells different stories to everyone around her, so her lies can slip between the cracks.
And I see everything they have tried in me. I’ve tried all the same things, and made all the same mistakes by enabling your drinking.
I’ve believed your promises, I’ve trusted your judgement, I’ve tried to be a friend and to give you every benefit of the doubt.
And just like with her, nothing has worked.
And it rips me up inside, because her family can see what she is doing. And the damage she is doing to them is immense. And she doesn’t care.
She says she cares. She believes she cares. She does all sorts of things to show she cares.
But she doesn’t.
The only things that matter to her are showing she can handle it all on her own, and getting more drugs.
And believe it or not. You are just like her.
I guess they tried to make her sympathetic, and she is, if you aren’t one of the people around her. The closer people are, the worse they suffer.
She is portrayed as the loveable addict. Every disaster she causes is resolved, sort of. There’s a knowing laugh. A sad outcome, but she smiles it off. However bad it gets, the people around her support her, and her behaviour. And it all sort of works out OK.
Right up till she kills herself.