We so nearly made it
That Sunday was so perfect, that week was so nearly perfect. And I felt it all crashing down again. We started to argue and I said lots of things I deeply regret.
Every ounce of emotional energy I have had for at least 2 years has gone into protecting the children and trying to help you. I was and am drained. I’ve tried compassion, kindness, distance, enforcement, reason and a thousand other things that hadn’t worked.
I’ve been ripped apart. I genuinely think you haven’t seen it, or have appreciated the scale of it. Even when we have had bad arguments, when I have tried to tell you how much its been destroying me, you’ve seen some of it, but not all. I’ve tried to avoid telling you as I haven’t wanted to make your alcohol problem rear back up.
I’ve poured tears every day since that Saturday. Not because of the court, or property, or money, or visa. But because we fell so close to the end.
I would have forgiven you the money, I would have forgiven you pretty much anything you had been honest about.
I thought you had the alcohol finally under control.
I thought you had changed.
I thought we were almost through it
I thought we had survived it, and now were coming out the other side.
We so nearly made it
I’ve seen a psychologist a number of times since leaving. And it’s made me realise the scale of stress I have been under. I have run out of strength.
And even while I am telling him everything, he keeps being surprised that I hold no ill will towards you at all. I keep telling him … “Sunday was perfect, that one day was enough to make up for the past two years”
It really was and is. I really hope Sunday was genuine and real and you improve upon it. That Sunday was one of the happiest days of my life.
I don’t know if you had been playing me for the last 6 weeks, or if you really have changed. I want to believe it’s real, everything tells me it is real.
As I have said so many times before, we need to talk. Openly and honestly. We can fix this, or at least ensure it doesn’t turn into armageddon — the key to everything is talking and being honest