Why You Should Never Do Arm Day at a Hotel

Intelligence Won’t Help You

Gabrielle Schaefer
Nov 1 · Unlisted

Don’t slack on your weight training just because you’re not at home. You’re not like that. In fact, you’re ready to push yourself to a new level.

You add extra weights and two more sets of each exercise to your routine.

You go all out, pushing and straining with bench presses, dips, pull-ups, curls, and toning those pesky triceps.

Finally done and feeling good, you lift a bottled water up to your mouth, but your arm muscles are tight and feel like led. That’s enough for this morning.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

You need a good after-workout meal, so you go to the hotel’s restaurant. The host turns to you. Squinching his face and covering his nose, he asks if he can help you.

“Sorry about the smell,” you say, “ I just finished a major workout.” Then you order a bunch of carbohydrates to be delivered to your room as soon as possible.

The host holds the receipt and a pen out to you, but your arms won’t raise above your waist. With a painful grin and groan, you raise one hand up to your chest.

The host puts the receipt and pen in your hand. You put the receipt on your chest and sign it upside down. Then holding them you strain to turn your hand toward the host.

Leaning away from you the host quickly grabs them from your hand, backs away and hurries to the rear of the restaurant.

Photo by Gaurav Baya on Unsplash

You follow a group of people into the elevator. No one else is going to your floor. You want to push the button, but your arm won’t move. So you ask, “Will someone please push 5 for me?”

Everyone looks away. You have no choice. You bend down and push the button with your nose. People back away from you.

In front of your door, you realize the keycard is in your pocket.

Leaning your shoulder against the door and lifting your hand up toward your pocket with your thigh, your hand makes it into your pocket. Good, you can move your fingers.

You lift your thigh again and your arm falls out of your pocket with keycard in-hand.

With your other thigh, you lift your other arm so it’s resting on the doorknob. Then you lift your other hand up with your other thigh, bend forward, and put the card in your mouth.

You slide the card in and out of the slot. The light turns green, and with your body weight, you push the doorknob down. Falling through the doorway, you land on the table in the entryway and knock everything onto the floor.

You’re thirsty so you go to the kitchen sink. Luckily it has the lever you can pull up. You use your mouth to push it up and the water is on full blast.

Photo by Ivana Cajina on Unsplash

You stick your mouth under the rushing water but it bounces out of your mouth, shoots up your nose, all over you and the kitchen.

Everything is dripping wet. Coughing and snorting, trying to catch your breath, you walk toward the bathroom, but slip in water on the floor.

Trying to keep your balance, your body jerks back and forth. As pain shoots through the muscles in your arms, you lean toward the counter with your chest and knock a full bottle of whiskey onto the floor.

Photo by Almos Bechtold on Unsplash

Catching your breath, the whiskey’s smell overwhelms your nose causing you to gag. You carefully make your way through the sea of whiskey and shattered glass.

But your stomach rebels, and you vomit onto the floor.

That’s it! You give up. You’re going to bed.

You shuffle toward the bed, but don’t want to get on it with wet clothes.

You see the back scratcher on the nightstand.

Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

Using the side of the bed to push your shirt up, you raise it high enough to use the back scratcher to push it over your head. The shirt sleeves slide down your arms.

The shorts are easy. You just use the edge of the mattress to push them down over the hips (thank God for stretchy waistbands).

Underwear are a little more tricky. Using the back scratcher to push the elastic down, while rubbing your butt on the side of the mattress, the band successfully lands under your cheeks.

Then you turn around to push the front down against the edge of the mattress while using the back scratcher to keep the back from springing back up.

You keep pushing and hear a gasp behind you.

A maid and the room service person are standing in the doorway.

Unlisted

Gabrielle Schaefer

Written by

I tell it like it is. Truth is freedom, even if it’s uncomfortable. I Prefer logic over emotion, but I’m working on that. gschaefer518@gmail.com

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