I do… Without you.

It started in my knees. Slowly moving its way through my body like waves of adrenalin, awakening every vein, feeling it all at once crush down on my heart. You can’t explain it, but you can only imagine…. Standing there… head to toe in white, so pure, love so raw, with nothing in my view but your eyes. Guiding me, leading me, to the life I’ve always wanted to start… with you.

Seven weddings. Seven unforgettable, hand in hand clenching, dancing the night in your arms weddings. … and every time that feeling became more potent. Taking turns catching the bouquets and Garders. We were in everyone’s view and next in line. I don’t think I’ll ever want to be next in line in my whole life. Loving from the sidelines, loving with no future in sight, loving and slowly letting you go.

Today I sit with sunlight beaming on my face awakening me to the day we’ve all been waiting for. You can hear the bells in the background, smell the fresh crisp start, and breath in like your waking up on your eleventh birthday jitters. Today is my eighth wedding, my first without you.

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