I ask for His Grace for all the times I should have done better but didn’t
In the Name of God: The Exceedingly And Everlastingly Loving and Caring
The month of Ramadan is just about finished. Yes, the fast has been hard, and I would be lying if I said I’m not looking forward to the end of the fast. Still, I have regret.
I wish I took more advantage of the month and it’s blessings. I wish I could have worshipped more. I wish I could have read more of the Qur’an. I wish I could have done more personal reflection. I wish I could have prayed more of the night vigil.
The thing is, life got in the way. Here, Ramadan or no Ramadan, life goes on. Kids have baseball games and tennis lessons. Schools have their sports banquets and graduation ceremonies. And work doesn’t say, “It’s OK…you will still have a job when you come back in a month.”
It’s not an excuse for my weakness. It’s still reality that daily life doesn’t change in the month of Ramadan. It just gets a little more stressful when the physical strains of the fast are added on top of it.
Hence, my regret. I skimped on worship because I had to get up early for work. I didn’t read as much Qur’an because I needed the time to finish some work stuff (or write this post). I grimaced and groaned a little too much from the hunger, and thirst, and fatigue of the fast. In a month where the spirit should reign supreme, I am sad to confess that the body still retained a lot of its strength over me.
And so, as the waning crescent moon indicates the fading away of Ramadan, all I can do is turn to God and ask for His Grace. Even at my best, I cannot fast for God the way He deserves; even at my best, I can’t praise God as He deserves to be praised; even at my best, I can’t worship God as He deserves to be worshipped.
And so, I turn to Him and ask His Grace. I ask for His Grace for all the times I should have done better but didn’t. I ask for His Grace for all the times I grunted at having to fast when I should have been smiling. I ask for His Grace for all the hours I should have been standing in prayer but wasn’t.
I ask for His Grace for all the times I succumbed to the body when I should have listened to the spirit.
He deserves better from me; He has gifted me with so much, and I have given Him nothing. He constantly shows me the Beauty of His Blessings, and I constantly show Him the ugliness of my sin.
Indeed, this may be the nature of the human condition, but that is a pathetic excuse. I should always do better; He deserves better from me.
And so, I feel regret. Thus, there is nothing left for me to do but ask God for His unending forgiveness. For without that, I am forever destroyed.