I’m not gonna lie, if you see me with my headphones in, expect me to be jamming out to something that only contains instruments. It’s about the only type of music I enjoy listening to and there are many reasons why. It’s calm, energetic, beautiful, horrifying, poetic, spiritual and a million other things. It’s the one thing I can wake up and the one thing I fall asleep to.
The thing with post rock or instrumental music (honestly, call it whatever the hell you want. I’m terrible with genre defining) is that it helps me cope. It sets up a title (song name) and allows me to write the pages to a blank page book. The instruments are my guiding force in how I feel but they in no way define just one emotion. I can feel happy listening to a song one day and sad listening to that same one on another day. It allows it to be fresh in mind and guide me into a specific feeling. Whenever I find anyone that knows about this genre, I really start to get passionate talking about it. I am that creepy, annoying guy that wont shut up about how amazing the vocals are in “Gone In Bloom and Bough” or how intense the guitars get in “Threads”. I wish I could find more like-minded people that would enjoy the same talks but that is something that has become hard for me. Which leads me into my next paragraph.
Anxiety. This shit sucks. I moved to Chicago in 2012(August) with my current roommate(best friend for like 10 years) and another person. There was hanging out, bars and shows but I didn’t feel like my happiness was being fulfilled. It’s not to say I’m not grateful for the times I’ve spent with all the people I’ve met here but I’ve never felt truly close many. I don’t have enough fingers to tell you how many times people have bailed on me. I’ve tried to get true and reliable friends but I find it hard to come by. One specific scenario was my 23rd birthday. I had invited quite a few people out to share drinks with and just enjoy our time, nothing fancy. Only 3 people showed up(and promptly left an hourish later),not counting my 2 roommates and brother. That shit sucked. I felt like shit and it has made me not care about my birthdays anymore. I know, it was only one but I can’t see it getting much better(at this point in time).This has lead me to being the person I am as I type this. I have started to not really bail, since there was no real set in stone plan, but just not show up to social events because it freaks me out to start to get to know people to only be disappointed by them in the future. Another reason I don’t want to go is fear of not being able to talk about anything. I don’t have much going on besides working at a restaurant. School is not going as planned, I’m not really happy working at a restaurant but it pays the bills and I am still trying to figure out what the hell is going on. It’s happened so many times that I don’t allow myself to get very close to new people. I haven’t been properly “diagnosed” or anything but I know there has been a change in me over the past few years. I haven’t figured out a way to fix it nor will I know when that time will come but I allow music to take over my fears and calm me. It’s like a friend to me that helps guide my mind to a safer and happier place. I know this paragraph seems like a big rant but I needed to try and put as much backstory into why I feel this way and then end it with how music helps me cope.
Well damn. I don’t know how much more I can say. This is poorly structured. I am terrible at writing out my thoughts. It’s difficult when they are whizzing by at the speed of light. As I’m typing this, I am listening to This Will Destroy You’s self titled. It’s one of my favorite albums of all time and it’s making me feel less shitty. I need to wrap this up and come up with some kind of ending to why the hell I wrote this. I wrote this to show I feel currently and how I manage to get by and be content. There are days I am happy and days I just don’t feel like leaving my room but if there is one thing to get me through day by day, it’s music. It’s not easy typing this out because I just don’t know how to structure it but I hope you get an idea of the way music is therapy and a friend.
Don’t worry about me. I am enjoying my stay in Chicago, no matter the troubles it constantly presents me. I currently can’t see myself anywhere else and can’t wait for the future.
Find your tune and let it guide you to be better.