It’s 4:52 AM. What’s on my mind?

Not like many care. I’ve come to keep telling myself that, tho I know it isn’t necessarily true. I know there are people I can contact at many hours of the day but it never seems to satisfy that need.

What’s that need, you ask? Feeling like I fit in/belong. I have a problem with judging myself around other people, whether they are new or old. I instantly will believe that we probably have nothing in common and I get into this mindset that I don’t want to say anything stupid so I’ll just shut up and have them start conversation. I really don’t know what has started this all for me. Maybe it’s the failures and obstacles I have hit. Maybe I just don’t want to be disappointed by more people than I already have been.

Is it just hard to make friends as you get older? I feel like I should be in that prime time to make new ones but it isn’t really working. I know there are people I consider my friends, that are new, right now but I don’t know how long it will last or how deep it will become. I don’t feel like there is a lot in common. I get invited to gatherings but don’t feel like I’ll much to contribute and will mostly just not go. When I do go, I feel like I have nothing to add and am just there as another living being.

I don’t know. I’ve noticed I’ve been listening to a lot more music recently, more than ever. I’m finding it strange but it’s my way of coping. I saw Caspian last Friday and it made me feel happy. I don’t feel like that as much as I use to. I don’t feel sad either. I’m just stuck in the middle. I’m going to New York next week and seeing another show for one of my favorite groups. I’m kind of terrified going by myself but trying to mentally work up the courage to talk to people while I’m there. I feel like if I do that it will be a successful trip.

I’m gonna end this. It’s 5:12 AM and I am suppose to be eating brunch in 6 hours. Sorry if it’s hard to follow what I am writing. It’s hard for me to piece it all together. I am doing my best. I am excited for New York, I’m excited to see GY!BE this Saturday and I’m excited I have friends coming up in March. I’m just trying to establish my “Chicago” Gage life. I don’t know what the future holds but I hope it treats me alright.

Here’s some music by Nordic Giants. They have been helping me a lot these past few weeks.