An Obituary For My Dearly Departed Mom, Who Loved James Corden
“There is no getting over death, only learning to travel alongside it.” — Sandra Cisneros
2020 and 2021 were Dumpster fires of years, but 2022 doesn’t look to be any better. On Jan. 1, 2022, the greatest woman who ever lived suddenly transitioned to another plane. At 77.5 years old, Jean Jacqueline Pirnia lived long enough to see 2022, saw it, and said, “Nope, I’m outta here.” However, dying on New Year’s Day seemed fitting because when her only grandson, Blake, was a kid he’d spend every New Year’s Eve with her. They’d make chocolate mousse and watch the ball drop.
Jean Kraus was born on May 26, 1944, in Akron, Ohio. (If you must know, she preferred Skyway over Swensons. And yes, she liked LeBron James.) Martin and Ruth Kraus were her parents, and she had an older brother named Gary. As an adolescent, the family settled down in Copley, a suburb, and she graduated from Copley High School. In 1960, she entered the Miss Copley beauty pageant and won. In 1966, she became the first in her immediate family to graduate from college (Purdue University; go Boilermakers!), which she did while pregnant with her first son, Robert “Bobby” Clement Dice III. Even though her mother encouraged her to drop out of college, Jean said, “No way.” Good for her. Shortly after graduation and the birth of Bobby, she and her husband Robert “Bob” Dice Jr. moved to his hometown of Dayton. While selling Avon door-to-door, she met her second husband, Abdolvahab Steven Pirnia, an exotic Persian doctor, who was born and raised in Tehran, Iran. After having lunch with him one day, Jean called her mother and said, “I know I’m going to marry him.” Also: Jean knew she’d marry a doctor because she was psychic. Jean and Steven had two odd children, their son, Abdol-Reza Brandon (not to be confused with “Let’s Go Brandon”), and daughter, Garin Najmeh.
For most of Jean’s adult life she was a homemaker. But after divorcing Steven, she became a single mother and had no choice but to get a job. She had a knack for sales and loved people, so in her 40s she got her real estate license and became a realtor for 20 years. She specialized in selling horse farms, land, and single-family homes. She was successful at it, even winning top-ten-salesperson-of-the-year awards. She proved that at any age you can start a career.
When Jean wasn’t working, she was a domestic goddess. She was an excellent cook — she could make anything, including bread, cakes, and Persian food. Jean loved fashion — she wore flamboyant designer clothes — and sewed Halloween costumes for her kids along with vests, dresses, and cat toys. One year she grew her own organic catnip to put in the toys. Who does that? Jean did. Jean also loved gardening — her parents owned a greenhouse and a florist business in Akron — and pansies were her favorite flower. She loved movies — her favorite films were Moonstruck, E.T., Angels in America, and Pulp Fiction. On a weekly basis, she would drag a young Garin to the movie theater to see eclectic adult fare like Raising Arizona and a film starring Maggie Smith and a pig. (Maybe this is why Garin developed a dark sense of humor and became a writer/filmmaker.) “The only time an actor made my heart skip a beat was [watching]Omar Shariff in Dr. Zhivago,” Jean said. (Garin needs to watch it, but it’s a long movie.) Jean consumed a lot of TV, including animal shows and The Late Late Show With James Corden. “He’s so talented. He can do anything,” she gushed to Garin a couple of days before she died. (OK, say what you want about Corden, but his carpool karaoke with Paul McCartney was epic, and you better believe Jean and Garin watched it together. “Let it be.”) Speaking of talented musicians, as a child Jean learned to play the piano; as an adult she not only purchased a Steinway grand piano but signed Garin and Reza up for lessons in hopes one of them would become a concert pianist. It didn’t happen, but Garin knows how to play the opening chords to the Star Wars theme, the beginning of “Heart and Soul,” and “Hot Cross Buns.” Take that, Lang Lang. Other activities Jean enjoyed included: cooking for her friends and family (food is love), gambling at the local racino, swimming, shopping, flirting with her doctors, and vacationing in California.
Like her father and Betty White, Jean adored animals and adopted several throughout her life. As a teenager she adopted Blackie, a mixed fox terrier; and Macha. a yorkie. With Bob, she had a Great Pyrenees named Samantha and a golden retriever named Susie. In 1982, she adopted her first cat, Kuching, followed by Fluffy and farm cats Mocha and Cody. (He was the best one). She adopted two sister golden retriever puppies, which the kids named Hershey and Butterfinger, because they were 9 and 10 years old and didn’t know any better. Plus, the dogs had candy-hued fur. At one point, the family had two dogs and four cats, including a stray Garin convinced Jean to take in. After moving in, Mitty turned on Garin and decided he liked Jean much better. It didn’t help that young Garin teased poor Mitty and called him “mama’s boy.” Garin is sorry about this. In 2011 Jean’s last pet died, a cat named Mimi. She was a transplant Garin brought home with her from L.A. and whom Garin abandoned so she could move to Chicago. (Don’t move to Chicago.) Even though Jean was petless, she spent a lot of time with her grandkitties, Diablo and Poe. Besides having cats and dogs, Jean owned and bred several Saddlebred horses. One night, she helped deliver her mare Princess’s foal. How many people could say they delivered a horse? Jean loved animals so much that she was convinced she had the power to heal them. She believed she’d healed Diablo’s heart murmur, though we suspect it might’ve been his medicine. She believed her mother was reincarnated as a cardinal that visited her. She once had a talk with ants inside her house and told them to leave; they did.
In the past decade Jean battled several chronic illnesses, including rare disease mast cell activation syndrome. She became an advocate for educating people about the terrible and incurable disease, including her doctors Dr. Bernstein, Dr. Nasr, Dr. Gerson, Dr. Effat, and Dr. Soin. Despite her many challenges, she maintained a positive attitude and always made time for those she loved. Jean was a selfless, generous, gracious, warm human being — we need more people like her. Her motto was: “Treat people well.” She always saw the good in everyone, and smiled at strangers. She wore face masks years before anyone else did and didn’t complain about it. She was always there for her kids, friends, grandson, and ex-husbands, and she never held back how she really felt — but maybe sometimes she should’ve. God doesn’t make people like Jean Jacqueline Kraus-Dice-Pirnia anymore. She was one-of-a-kind, and she will be deeply missed.
She is survived by her three children; her grandson, Blake; her daughter-in-law, Dawn; her grandkitties; her nieces and nephews; her former in-laws; many friends; and James Corden.
