I’ve been home three days.
In that time I’ve already learned (been reminded) of a few things:
- I don’t rest well,
- I am a much more anxious person than I give myself credit for, and
- I’m now definitely a crier. (Not super sure when it happened, but I cry so much more these days.)
I think I’ve cried twice (maybe 3) since I got home. One of those times being this evening which lead me to shut off my computer and clear my mind through baking.
Why am I crying, you may ask.
Cause I’m scared, I’m confused, I hate not being in control, and I hate admitting defeat (or what feels like defeat).
I was excited at the thought of coming home. Being in one place for a time, seeing the faces of those I love, being in a place where I am known. But as I drove into the city, I felt this pit in my stomach. I’m back. I’m home. I’m here to stay.
Yea… that didn’t sit well with yours truly.
You see with staying comes being in one place for a time, being in the presence of those I love, and being in a place where I am known. Sounds crazy, but it turns out all those things are a comfort and a stressor.
Being in one place means roots, facing fears, figuring out who I am in this place that is known to me, but in this new season has become new in many ways.
There are some that I love with ease, but others that I struggle to love well. Being known can be a comfort, but when you know you’ve changed it can be isolating, frustrating, an obstacle to growth or a temptation to revert to old ways.
So here I find myself in a season that I chose, that I felt was best for my emotional, spiritual and mental health. I know I need to learn to rest. I know I need to let go of the need to know, to control. I know that I need to wrestle with what I want vs. what I feel is expected of me.
It’s no surprise that this process would be a difficult one. It just turns out my defaults are strong and made things worse. Three days in and I already have a list of jobs to apply for, categorised by location and closing date, a new draft of my CV in the works, an appointment scheduled with my counselor and plans for the next week.
Yea, I really don’t know how to rest. smh
The fear of being still, of being seen as lazy, of not doing enough, not being able to care for myself or those I love well. Those fears took over and I stopped loving myself well in the process.
It’s sad cause I think the one thing I’ve learned in the last three months can be summarized in four words, “Be still, be loved” And it took less than 72 hrs to throw those away.
So I am going to actually rest. I’m going to do things this week that are life to me. I am going to see those that give me life.
I’m going to bake. Laugh. Meditate. Write. Talk to God.
I’m probably going to cry. Hopefully the healing type of tears. Not the scared, frustrated type.
I am going to take it a day at a time and love myself enough to give myself some grace.
I’m going to trust that tomorrow, though unknown doesn’t have to be bad.
That my choices today don’t have to be final.
That the only ones I am fully accountable to are God and myself.
That there is grace in the midst of it all.
Here’s to resting in all of that.