It’s Okay To Not Be Okay.

(December 7th, 2015)

I went to church and Pastor Jina asked me “Are you okay today?” And I said “Yeah I’ve been good. Going to Mokpo last weekend was fun.” But then, a few seconds later, I said “Actually I haven’t been okay recently. Thanksgiving time was one of the best and worst times for me since being in Korea.”

I asked God one morning recently to remove someone from my life if they weren’t right for me and he answered my prayer-that very same evening. I thought to myself “God! That was fast!” And I was so happy God gave me what I wanted. But then, the self-doubt and questioning my self-worth started the days after. I have always encouraged my friends that “doors close for a reason” and “someone is better out there for you,” but this time, I couldn’t believe it for myself. And it was hitting me hard mentally. Why couldn’t I take the same advice for myself that I’ve given to others? I became bitter and frustrated towards myself and with the situation. But through the bitterness and disappointment, God brought me healing and is giving me peace about things he protects us from.

I’ve allowed people in the past few weeks pour into my life with encouragement as much as I pour into others. I’ve shared the hurt and disappointment and they share their wisdom and hugs. One of the most meaningful gestures was when I was in Mokpo with friends, singing at a karaoke noraebang “See you Again.” One of my Fulbright friends just comes up to me and puts her arms around my shoulders. She doesn’t say anything but she just stands there by my side, saying with her presence “I’m here for you.” That small act meant the world to me.

Thank you God for giving me grace when my heart is filled with bitterness. Thank you God for giving me friends, near and far, to listen to my ups and downs, and thank you for continually teaching me about my self-worth and how I can find love through your embrace. I am worth it and if you’re reading this, you are worth it too. Sometimes I give up on finding love and other times I think to myself how I’ll be laughing about all of this when that man of God comes into my life. I have lost one thing, but I am gaining so much more in return.

Even when you are falling, hope in the Lord, stand on His promise, no matter what the circumstance, and you will find new strength — His strength — to carry on.

The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. -Isaiah 40:27–31