I don’t mind a little mess.

I recount when in a time of my life when I had someone mentor me. They were so afraid of the mess I might make. I was taught to equally prevent the people around me from making a mess. To the point of advising me in my relationship with my (then) boyfriend (now husband). It made my relationship so strange. There was thing constant vague disconnected feeling between my husband and I during that time. Even when all the advice worked, it felt tainted by control and fear. Intense I know, but I’m for real.

Do you know what I noticed? My mess was the best thing for my relationship. Me being me, being honest. If I never confront the thoughts and feelings I have that are real (and never go away) then I never grow. My relationship never grows. After leaving that situation, my relationship became exponentially better. Even dealing with my fear that I had developed of being rejected when someone confronted something to me. That fear told me that I am not in a safe environment for honesty and the result would end in my condemnation.

Don’t get me wrong, advice is great. But it’s not great when it’s all about “preemptive” conversations. Predicting mess before it happens and having to twist the reality when it does.

Confrontation is great. I love confrontation. Why? Because I also hate atmospheres with pent up emotions. I don’t like when communities are built on passivity (or passive aggression). Confrontation says “There’s a mess here and I want to clean it up with you” not “scoot around it hoping we don’t trip.”

Confrontation and honest love need to go hand in hand. Love is patient, kind, gentle, has no pride, it honours, and is selfless. Doesn’t matter how big the mess is, if you really have love you will end better knowing that no matter what, truth and understanding will strengthen you and the other person.

I struggle when I see people who have an opportunity to confront something over and over and they don’t. They drop it and hoping it will blow over in “good” christian nature. It’s based on the idea that they don’t want to make emotional decisions (or they just don’t know how to do it) but sometimes a little emotion is ok just to get the truth out there. In a loving atmosphere it will be brought into perspective.

All that to say, your mess is the best.