The Commish Report: Week 1

Scott Roberts
Sep 3, 2018 · 6 min read

[Previously on Fantasy Football]

I’m up.

Not by much but I’m up. 7pts I recall.

You see, the past two seasons have beaten a lot of optimism at me. I’m trying to keep thoughts of winning out of my head. Thoughts of reclaiming the belt I created and sent off to Oregon a year ago. Thoughts of the prize money I’d spend, but most importantly, thoughts of how it was ME that kept Ruxin from winning his first title. I could hold that over him for months! The apartment is quiet. Katie plays on her phone. The kittens are hiding. I watch.

I’m patiently waiting for the last play of the last quarter of the last game of the last week of the 2017 Fantasy Football Season.

Then… unexpectedly… my phone rings, and I that’s when I know I’m fucked.

You see, I watch MNF on a borrowed DirectTV login and ESPN app that comes with a 2–3 minute delay. Not many people know or care about that fact. But Shane knows. Shane cares. Shane is calling me.

“I’m fucked aren’t I?”

“Just watch,” he says.

*Record Scratch* *Freeze Frame* Yup, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I got here.

And that was that.

My visions of reclaiming the championship ride a never ending water slide of Ben McAdoo’s slicked back hair into a descent of darkness. My improbable run through the Playoffs comes to a tragic ending that Shakespeare couldn’t have imagined. I was Icarus, who despite drafting Devante Parker, dreamed of flying and got too close to sun.

And now here I am. Coming back to the cruel mistress asking for more.

Maybe there’s a day that I give this up and retire. Spend my fall frolicking amongst the fallen leaves and pumpkin spice lattes instead of being asked to refrain from screaming profanities in front of children.

Perhaps that day will come, but today is not that day.

Did you all see my draft???!
Once in a generation rookie talent Saquon Barkley!
Run CMC! The great white RB hope!
Kelce Lately!
Matt Ry..umm…Robby…no wait…JuJu Smith Schuster! He’s a good one.

My draft was so good that I’ve already googled how much it’ll cost to steam clean that championship belt.

Other bold predictions for the 2017 season.

  • Atlanta Falcons return to form! Steve Sarkisian inherited a bowl full of pro-bowlers and proceeded to throw a gutter ball (bowl is a fun word!). There’s no way Arther Blank, perfect rich white guy name, lets him continue to treat Julio Jones as anything other than the monster he is. I say 30 TDs for Ryan this year, 11 for Julio, Atlanta storms into the playoffs and immediately blows another lead.
  • Philly doesn’t make the playoffs. This guy kills himself intentionally instead of on accident.
  • Chiefs Regress. Finish 8–8 due to a defense that can’t stop nobody, shit like this, Andy Reid play calling, and a front office staff that sent Mr. Smith to Washington after he delivered 4 straight winning efforts and pro-bowl season. Oooooo “Mahomes has a big arm” …and so did Jamarcus Russell.
  • Our league sets a new record of trades in a single season. The current record is two.
  • Stefon Diggs finishes in the top 5 at WR.
  • Andrew Luck finishes outside the top 10 at QB.
  • LeVeon Bell AND David Johnson fail to finish in the top 5 RBs.
  • Trey Burton is a top 5 TE.
  • Kenyan Drake is a top 10 RB and Eric still doesn’t make the playoffs.
  • The Vikings, coming on to the field to a Prince song, go on to beat the Patriots and win Super Bowl LIII!

I’m like a kid on Christmas, on to the week 1 matchups!

This Play..THIS GD PLAY…ended in a Todd Gurley Touchdown for Shane in 2017.

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK!!! The Champ vs. David Johnson: Every season I think to myself “Mike’s got an awesome team” and every season Mike lets me (and himself) but more importantly me down and finishes outside the top 3. Shane is kinda the opposite, where each season I go “Shane’s team sucks” only to watch him finish no lower than 2nd place. Anyone who had Gurley last season basically cake-walked to the championship (See exhibit A) and yet Shaner still needed a miracle. A miracle he got. While I believe in all world running back Zeke, picks like Thank You Hilton and Kyle Rudolph don’t scream a repeat to me. I’ll take me some big ol TDs and Beers for a week one win, by 10pts.

The Notorious One vs. The Manneson Family: Micah had the first pick in our Crossfit Games draft too but that didn’t guarantee anything either did it?! I don’t see Lauren Fisher on his team though so he should be fine. Advice for Kareem Hunt’s new owners, prepare yourselves for a season of kicking cats and screaming profanities while Andy Reid, drunk of Oklahoma Joe’s BBQ Sauce, pulls Hunt off the field on 1st and Goal to run Tyreek Hill on a the least surprising WR sweep that nets a cool -1 yards. Innovation is one word for his play calling. Not the word I would choose. I’ll give week one to Micah, because Anne (Mason?) drafted three too many Tennessee Titans and I can’t reward that. Micah by 17pts.

Fun Fact: In 11 seasons only two managers have ever had the first pick in the draft and finished 1st in the league. DOGS in 2012 and Manneson in 2015.

Y! Picks vs A Hard Gronk Life: It only took 24 hours for one of you monsters to accuse me of Collusion, but my own mother!? After not being allowed to use her first pick on Aaron Rodgers, second pick on Davante Adams, 3rd pick on Mason Crosby and her other pre-draft Packers rankings, mama Roberts is blaming me for having Diggs and Kamara instead. At the other end of the drafting spectrum Katie took Tom Brady 5 rounds earlier than she needed to and that reason alone is enough for me to pick Yahoo’s Expert Rankings over Hiro’s crush. Y! Picks FTW by 18pts.

The Elders vs The Sisterwives: Carla has the exact team my mom would have auto-drafted which explains her D+ rating. Steve’s team looks great with Free Fallin’ David Johnson paired with Rolls Royce. I personally hate Philip Rivers and couldn’t even tell you why anymore, but agree that he will throw the ball 50 or more times a game. Steve should win this and is my lock in his Football Survival game as well. By 20pts.

Casey vs. The Cops: Mexicans as a whole are probably 0 and 1,435,324 against cops in America but maybe things will be different. He has the best tandem at Wideout I think you can have in 2018 and the rest of his team is one Greg Hardy away from being All Pro in domestic violence cases. Kim meanwhile couldn’t have been drafting with her head when she picked Jimmy GQ as her starting QB. One chiseled chin doesn’t turn around an entire team that had 9 straight losses last season. I’m also proud of her for overlooking Doug Baldwin’s high age and bad knees to draft him as her WR1. The word Doug is synonymous with ugly which is exactly what I project Kim’s season to be. The Mexican easily alludes the police in week 1, by 11 points.

Turn this power wheel into a low rider pickup truck with racing stripes that bounces and you’ll see exactly what Casey will do to Kim’s team this week.

Evil Shenanigans vs NotMakingThePlayoffs: I love the Kenyan Drake pick but the rest of E’s team is soft….like Drake. Gronk will be great until he’s hurt. Crowder will be ok and then get hurt. Tate will be terrible and then probably get hurt. This is why E never makes the playoffs! My team is good enough to beat a week 1 Eric squad though. You’ll all be wishing you too could have selected Saquon Barkley…well picks 1–4 at least. Evil prevails over E by 2 Saquon TDs.

We did it! There won’t be another Sunday without football until February 10th 2019! Hurray!!!

Patrick MaHomes gets a II on his jersey but our guy Laurent Duvernay-Tardif (Sp?) can’t get a M.D. on his? Dafuq is that about?? Besides, nothing on Earth is more egotistical than naming your kid after yourself.

I’ve never related to any rap artist more than Eminem griping about all modern rappers today.

Gonna be a great season!

The Commish
S.

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