Dear boy who broke my heart,
I was sad. Devastated. Crushed. Alone. Wondering why I deserved to be dropped like I was nothing.
But day by day, I realized more and more, why getting over you was just part of the journey and learning what I deserve. Within these last two weeks since you left me without a single word after, here are the things I have learned and experienced.
It wasn’t until I had more time for my friends after you’ve gone, that I learned I can laugh more than I ever did with you.
It wasn’t until I started to open my heart up and stop being scared because of the damage you caused, that I learned that I am desirable.
It wasn’t until I laid down with a different man that I learned, my body is beautiful and it is more than you just saying it’s beautiful because I am self conscious, and then later telling me how you wouldn’t date a bigger girl and wouldn’t be with me if I was bigger.
It wasn’t until I allowed myself to drive around at midnight blasting sad songs and letting myself cry like a baby, that I learned you probably weren’t doing the same, and that gave me some motivation to wake the hell up and realize I’m better than this.
It wasn’t until new men started showing me more affection than you ever did in the near 3 years we were together, that I learned that maybe you just never understood what love was truly supposed to be like.
It wasn’t until I sat in shambles on the floor crying and staring at the pictures of us in the picture frame you got me for my birthday behind broken glass and bloodied knuckles, that I learned I deserve a love better than what was posed for those pictures.
It wasn’t until you used my mental issues- anxiety, depression, and a huge panic attack, as grounds for leaving behind something we worked so hard on for so long, that I learned the true shallowness that penetrates deep beneath your surface.
It wasn’t until, after all the times you messed with my mind, my heart, my soul, made me feel empty and drained, then proceeded to call me crazy, that I learned, it was never me who was the problem. I should have given myself the grace I needed instead of allowing you to walk back into my life, because I learned that those wounds you caused would never heal enough for me to ever be the same woman you fell in “love” with.
It wasnt until you lied to the people around you about who I am, making me out to be the bad guy, while leaving out all the pain and trauma and anguish you caused ME, that I learned that this is a weak mans way of solving things, and I was silly for thinking you could ever be strong enough for the both of us, because if someone were to ask you who you really are deep inside, you wouldn’t be able to give a genuine answer.
It wasnt until I gave everything I had to give, my heart, my soul, my body, my sanity within my mind.. Only for you to throw me away like I was nothing, that I learned my soul was never yours to carry. My heart was never yours to love. My body was never yours to touch and hold. My mind however.. I realized it was with me and perfectly sane the whole time, just blinded by what I thought was love.
And, oh so broken boy who broke ME..
It wasn’t until you left, that I learned, you were the only issue in my life.
What I am trying to say..
Is that it wasn’t until I learned, that I was able to realize, I loved you, but this hurt you brought to me brought one important realization to the surface…
I don’t love you anymore, and oh so broken boy who broke ME.. I never will. Ever again. You are in the past, where you were always stuck in the first place.
I am moving through to the future.