My Indecisive Self

I should have known this was going to happen. It seems that, when it comes to writing, when I make a decision, my brain kind of goes “Oh you think so? We’ll see about that.” For those who read my last story, I explained that I have been dealing with a very long and frustrating case of writers block. And since I have been having trouble writing, I wasn’t going to be posting anything here on Medium until I could get my mojo back. Well, as it turns out, it’s back. It’s returning slowly, so I haven’t attempted tackling big projects(such as my books) yet for fear of my creativity slipping away again. But that is the purpose of Medium, right? To write what you want, as much or as little as you want. I can say I am very thankful my friend introduced me to this site. Hats off to you Macks!

Anyway, there are some things I want to say. First, I have added to the story Aftermath. Not a whole lot, but as I said, it is a story I will continue over time. Take a look and give me some feedback, negative or positive. I’m all for it. Second, I have had two large cups of coffee in the past hour, so forgive me if there are any typos or any babbling I may do. I don’t drink this much coffee often and as I am currently drinking my third cup, the edges of my brain are beginning to fuzz a bit and I feel very jumpy. Third, I really don’t know the point of this document. I guess I’m just going to ramble until I feel satisfied.

What was I going to say? Oh! I remember now. I started writing this for a reason. Okay, so on to the explanation.

In the four years I have been writing, only thrice have I thought about quitting. First time: my laptop crashed and the story I had spent almost a half a year on vanished without a trace. That was back when I didn’t think to back any of it up. Stupid me, but I learned my lesson. Now everything is backed up- on three different flash drives. Second time: I was so stuck that I picked up the hobby of photography and loved it so much, I thought I would become a photographer instead of a writer. Obviously, that never happened. I still take pictures. It’s something I only really dive into when I need a break from writing. Third time: Last month I was so tired and frustrated with not being able to write. I was mad because I had gone from constantly writing; on my computer, in my head, in my sleep(yes that actually happened a few times), even on my body- what else are you to do when an idea strikes and you have no paper?

So you can imagine my frustration when that all stopped so abruptly, I was left wondering what the heck just happened. From last November until the beginning on July, I had not written anything. But then one of my best friends decided we should write together. We had discussed it before, but since my lack of writing was evident, we decided to approach that idea later. Last month, I was stuck in a rut(mentally) and he and my other best friend suggested I try writing. Didn’t have to be my books; just write. So that’s what I did. And then BAM. I had the story that is also here on Medium.

But yes after that was written, my friend and I started writing our book. He wrote his introductory and then it was my turn. To be quite honest, I was scared I wouldn’t have much to add. But to my surprise, I wrote more than he did! Love you buddy boy, but that gave me a serious confidence boost, I’ll admit. I can still remember that conversation we had when trying to brainstorm ideas, and it still makes me laugh. You did come in like a wrecking ball(I am laughing so hard right now as I remember that conversation!). I realize anyone reading this but you has no idea what I am talking about, but whatever. Hope it makes you smile, that is if you still do remember. But man, thank God you are a writer. I will say again how awesome it is to have someone in my life who can relate to that part of my life and many other things as well. But, I’m getting carried away. Back to…whatever this is.

The basic point that I have yet to say(you remember me mentioning about the possible babbling), is that it seems whenever I make the decision to quit writing, I always come back to it. Determination brought me back the first time. The incredibly deep sense of longing I had for my fingers to fly over a keyboard instead of pressing a shutter button brought me back the second time. And as for this last time, it was two things that brought me back. The first being my need to write for just me; not for the characters I created. The second was the fierce belief my best friends have in me.

I will end with this:

My name is Greenie and I am a writer. Always have been and always will be. Because that’s just who I am, simple as that. A writers dream may be impractical, but it is mine.