Torbant Fourstone presents his TOP FIVE list of the new restaurants and bars set to open in Downtown near you this summer…

#5 — The Cleft Pallet — 14th and Jeton Street — Opens July 2016

‘Core Power’… The Cleft Pallet is certainly an attention grabber.

When husband and wife team Taylor and Taylor Taylor set out on their dream of owning their own bar, they never thought their journey would lead to them renovating a decommissioned nuclear facility.

“It took a while to clear out the radiation with the pressure washer, especially near where the reactor core was, however, we managed to do it and have added some reclaimed wood and anodized steel sheeting and turned the old reactor core into our mixology theater space”, crows Taylor Taylor.

Chef Baxter Flinch [formerly head sous chef at Biscuit Tinker] claims to have been working on the menu for 15 years. Kale-fed Quinoa, Kaled Quinoa and Quinoa Kales leads off a menu that is as rambunctious as it is meritocratic.

“The key to plated success is foresight, hard work and ingredients” opines a puce-cheeked Flinch over smoothies near the decontamination zone.

Other key features in the refurbishment include two up-and-over garage doors, menus printed on recycled paper and exposed brick wall featurettes.

#4 — The Indifferent Different-27th and Montre Avenue-Opens July 2016

“TID”, as chef-owner Dentro D’Miles abbreviates his venture, “will be a place where laid-backsy meets chill”. We here at this publication literally can’t wait, literally!

Currently under renovation, the space was previously a butter churn factory and more latterly a center for the hard of caring. Lead architect Bartus Solenoid from KNE Partners discusses their vision for the makeover, “Expansive spaces the mind can wallow in juxtaposed with the harsh reality of gravity… that and some exposed brick walls, several reclaimed wooden tables and an area where they can keep mason jars to serve water and cocktails out of… that sort of thing”.

The centerpiece of ‘TID’ is set to be the mixology workshop area located at the North-East of the facility. The mixology menu is not yet fully cultivated, but from what this roving reporter saw it ranges from classics such as your Long Island Butter Balls and Chutney Muddles through to more Avant-garde options like the Dirty Nitrous and Flitting Amiga Slammer. Literally, Can, Not, Wait!

Opening day will be crowned with the inaugural opening of the garage doors to the public and the ceremonial reclaiming of the wood. Patrons bearing quince will qualify for free plaid membership.

#3 — The Smashed Knuckle — 43rd and Klabe Blvd — Opens April 2016

Located in an abandoned hummus emporium, ‘The ‘knuck’, as it has already been sub-branded, offers customers a vast variety of artisan bullshittery from sustainable chutneys and preserves served in bicycle seats to frozen yogurt served in upturned trilby hats. All this from reclaimed beetle-kill tables adorned with menus printed on 100% recycled card.. and all in close proximity to some garage doors.

Hats off! — Yogurt in a Trilby.

Vixen McSteve (owner and neckerchief) explains; “Our vision for ‘The ‘knuck’ was one where people of all colors, creeds, ages and backgrounds could pass by the front door, and from that varied and wonderful mix of people just the bearded white guys in lumberjack shirts and doughy girls dressed in thrift store clothes would come in and empty their wallets in here then f**k off on their bicycles again…. sh*t… sorry.. did I just say that?… sh*t!… er… we use every bit of the animal… all natural, wholesome… no GMO… does that help?… sh*t!…Clive… I think I screwed another interview up again…. Clive? Clive?….”

This reporter certainly thinks this is MYKINDAPLACE! Hashtag Yes Please!

#2 — The Exposed Filament — 36th and Hejjiton Square — Opens July 2016

Charge your glasses! Mason Jars complete with vintage light bulbs — Inspired!

Located in a onetime brothel and former elementary school, The ‘EF’ is the brainchild of brothers Bow and Matun Slise.

With décor that will fall somewhere between a dominatrix den and the set of Saved by the Bell, the Slises aim to offer the ultimate in fusion dining experiences.

“We wanted to retain the history of the building and bring that to bear in our food” claims Matun, “We fuse the sexual with the educational and plate it right in front of your face for $75 a head… good yeah?”

Other offerings include a craft beer water fountain, reclaimed wood tables, exposed brick accent walls and mini-museum where diners can learn about the history of Mason jars. All drinks are served in sustainably caught Mason jars which contain a fully-powered vintage-looking light-bulb with exposed filament! NICE touch guys — Sweetlips!

Opening day offer — Pair anorexijeans and tweed for access to the VIP lounge and free auto-erotic asphyxiation sessions with headmaster mixologist ‘Lee’.

#1 — COMA — 49 1/2th and Ceposword Crescent- ‘Opelosing’ May 26th 2016

Coma Karma… It’s all for a good cause!

…and at number the first is COMA — Winning solely because it’s only non-profit on our list, COMA is the brainshite of heterosexualites Bunty Taddle and Rogers Umdobu. Situated in an abandoned termite mound, ‘The Combs’, (as the cool kids are no doubt MySpacing), wants to turn whatever preconceived thoughts you had about recycled food right on their head!

“We source all of our ingredients from dumpsters, landfill, trashcans and alike”, Chef Taddle extols, “in this way we are able to offer our diners the freshest food possible. The menu is different every day and our dishes contain ingredients you wouldn't normally find in your standard ‘Mom and Pop’ restaurant; glass, shrapnel, syringes, Band-Aids, swarf… things that you might think are not good for the table, we cook those right up with healthy handfuls of kale and quinoa, price them at $65-$85 a plate, pair it with some sh*t the brewery next door can’t get rid of then move on quickly before the legal action starts”.

COMA’s grand opening will be followed directly by its grand closing on May 26th 2016 – 7pm to 7:30pm. Opening night cocktails will include Lysol Against a Wall, Hindenberg Disasters and Pinacolitis — all served out of dish soap bottles bound with rustic string. All proceeds go to Taddle & Umdobu’s charity for overweight dogs in the Cayman Islands.

Local band ‘Haberdasher’s Tagnut’ will also be on hand with their own blend of soulful fiddle and tambourine cack throughout! So… open those garage doors… kick off those menus printed in organic ink on recycled card… and let’s see you dancing on those reclaimed wooden tables!

PUT THE DATES IN YOUR DIARIES!… and I will see you next month with another ‘RoUp’ of the ‘DoTo’ gems that make this fine city so awcificent!

Torbant… x

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