You Smell Like Tennis Balls…and I’m Really Horny

Shortly after getting married in 1993, I realized my wife would never share my passion for tennis, which continues to be my primary form of exercise if one doesn’t count lifting grocery items from my trunk after a Costco run.

To her credit, she tried the game a few times, accompanying me to our local park and attempting to master the intricacies of the running forehand, the slice backhand and the overhead smash. But her heart wasn’t in it and she retreated to her passion, jogging.

Regrettably, my wife will never know the rush of excitement I get from hearing the sounds of the sport: the squeak of tennis shoes on cement; the repeated “thong” signaling a grueling rally is taking place; the “whoosh” that accompanies a can of newly opened balls. Let the match begin!

My sense of lust only increased when I discovered my wife could actually SMELL like tennis.

My pants are already getting tight

Demeter, a New York-based fragrance company that crafts scents inspired by “everyday objects and experiences,” recently created Fuzzy Balls, a scent the website claims comes with the “incredibly attractive, yet indescribable smell you experience when you open a new can of tennis balls.” Demeter CEO Mark Crames’ enthusiasm over the scent’s popularity rivaled mine every time I uncork a cross-court backhand winner against Tom, my frequent hitting partner.

“I never envisioned this would be the best thing we ever did,” said Crames, who added that Fuzzy Balls is the company’s most successful limited edition fragrance, outselling even Play-Doh and Zombie, the latter described in an Amazon review as smelling of “moss, dead leaves and soil.”

Inspired by a 16-year-old English girl who contacted Crames after watching Wimbledon and suggested a tennis ball scent, Demeter launched New Balls in the U.K. several months ago. Here in the United States, following a crowdsourcing campaign, the scent was renamed Fuzzy Balls and unveiled to coincide with the U.S. Open, the year’s final major tennis tournament currently underway in New York. The limited edition scent will only be available through September 30.

Unfortunately, my wife failed to heed my suggestion that she abandon her standby brand, Tease by Victoria’s Secret, in favor of Fuzzy Balls and its aromatic bouquet of rubber, wool, glue and a few ingredients Crames declined to reveal.

“Seriously? You’d like it if I smelled like a tennis ball?” she said.

I reminded her of the tingly feeling I get when I stick my nose in a freshly opened can of Wilsons or Penns, the two leading tennis ball brands.

“You get a tingly feeling when you open a beer,” she said. “Why don’t I just dump a bottle of Coors Light behind my ears?”

Crames’ company doesn’t yet make a beer scent. But pick up a bottle of Demeter Gin & Tonic at your local store or online retailer. Or Black Russian. Or Mojito, if you insist on smelling like your favorite alcoholic vice. On that note, Cannabis Flower is also available but, as the website strongly urges, “SMELL IT, DON’T SMOKE IT.”

“Why not just try a little bit?” I asked my wife. “Maybe it will, you know, spice things up for us.”

“Oh, so that’s what this is about?” she said. “Your needs.”

“Wellllllll…”

“How long does the scent last?” she asked. “Am I going to walk past tennis courts and have somebody point at me and yell, ‘A little help?’” the common phrase used by players requesting a ball that has rolled onto another court.

“Are Russian kids with last names ending in ‘ova’ going to start following me around, holding rackets and demanding I volley with them? No thanks.”

I gave her my best pouty look of defeat. Sensing my disappointment, she offered a compromise.

“Tell you what,” she said, stroking my leg. “I’ll wear Fuzzy Balls for a night if you will find, and wear, a scent that stirs happy memories for me.”

“Deal,” I said quickly. “What do you have in mind?”

“How about Shopping Mall? Or Girls Weekend in Vegas. Does your friend make either of those? I’ve got my phone here if you want to start Googling.”

I shook my head, realizing I would have to satisfy my tennis scent fetish in other ways.

Sadly, that involves calling Tom.

Originally published at www.gregschwem.com on August 17, 2016. Greg Schwem is a corporate stand up comedian, business emcee and author of The Road to Success Goes Through the Salad Bar: A Pile of BS (Business Stories) From a Corporate Comedian.

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