Today I Promise Myself to Take Steps Toward Becoming the Person I Have Been Afraid to Let Shine

This is my first post on Medium. I woke up this morning with a sense of dread the minute my eyes opened; mind started racing about the things I had to complete and the other worries related to things outside of my control. In my experience, I have a difficult time pulling back and trying to stick to thinking in the “now” during times when my anxiety starts to spin out of control, thinking of overwhelming issues which are not productive, controllable, or setting me up to be able to focus on the things I can do “today”. The scariest part of that level of anxiety, is the fear of being trapped in my own body, unable to cope or escape those types of feelings which can feel physically draining and exhausting over time. I caught myself thinking when I took my 7am shower, “Well, maybe I’ll just run to the store quick before I start my work for the day and have a bottle of wine in the house — just in case I need to calm down and escape for a minute later this morning or early afternoon.”

Now, in the recent past, the “today’s” that have preceded this present moment I am in, I was having mornings like that more and more often. I would then drive myself to the store, pick up at least one bottle of wine (just in case I finished one, I was afraid of not having more to calm myself down later on) and come home to start work. I’d typically wait til about 11am or 12pm and pour a glass with lunch. I’d knock off the bottle before Seth, my fiancé, got home from work between 5–6pm and throw away the evidence, so he wouldn’t know I had been drinking all afternoon. My rational self knows that obviously if I’ve had a bottle of wine, I’m going to be behaving differently and anyone with a set of eyes or ears would be able to recognize I was severely buzzed or even drunk. But there’s a part of me that I think doesn’t have enough self respect or sense of self worth to feel like I am “enough” and I should love myself.

I’ve always found writing to be therapeutic and a great way to express emotions and feelings in a healthy way. It’s also sometimes through that type of expression, the process of turning inward and evaluating what is driving external behaviors and other emotions in which we learn so much about ourselves. The difficult part is then through change that is required to break free from habits which lead to our lives being anything less than enjoyable and self-fulfilling. It also bleeds into our other relationships with the people we love — I’ve often found it also prevents me from allowing myself TO BE LOVED.

So, I’d like to start blogging — my greatest hope is to find others who find themselves in a place where they want to work on areas which they themselves find keep them from living the life and being the person they truly are inside. Today is a new day and there are so many choices and opportunities which we can use and decide to make that will pave the path of life we want to live.