Running Away from a Memory
I woke up yesterday morning not feeling up to it at all, the universe didn’t just align in any way for me to go on my usual morning run and i felt something eating at my insides… I was in a passive aggressive rage. I mentally took note of the things I had to do and realized i was definitely going to be too well occupied to dwell on this dark cloud hovering over me.
Then my older brother walks in and says “how do you feel?”. I give him a second look and then it hits me, my Dad’s 3 year remembrance. Before I can let myself admit that it’s really getting to me I tell him ‘FOH’ in the nicest way possible.. it’s not an attack, more like ‘so you really want to get a nigga all emotional at this old age of mine’.
The day was much more easier to get through than I thought and I began to wonder why remembering a lost loved one should always have to be a day people anticipated would be so emotional and downright depressing. I think for years I tend to sit on my emotions hiding them from prying eyes, especially people who care about me. Why? Because my emotional tap doesn’t have a damn faucet control, it bleeds all over the place and I’m done with that side of me.
This time around I had the benefit of being all by myself throughout the day and being pretty much swamped with work and meetings so that was enough reason to run away from dissecting and analyzing these feelings I had long held back.
Feelings suck as far back as I realized I couldn’t control mine completely and acting out after my mum passed really left me wondering why I had to deal with them in the first place, so I really have found myself less inclined to engage feelings once something personal or significant happens to me. But yesterday felt like the chickens had come home to roost. There I was trying to act as normal as I have been managing to for the past 10 years but it wasn’t working , until I decided to confront them.
I reflected on losing Dad, thought about the chasm he left and the way we had all adjusted since his passing. Seeing my sister get married would have been something I wished he witnessed, seeing me start my businesses and imagining the advice he would have given me regarding the various decisions I had made.
When it began to get emotional I decided to go on a run despite the clear indications that it was about to rain. I ran, even faster when it rained, I pushed on even when the wind blew against me. I don’t know, if I cried, neither will I admit it but I was glad it rained but as I focused on the run, I remembered going on morning runs with Dad.. It soon hit me, I was never going to get away from these feelings, there was no use running because they will always exist in my memories.