I have keys

This took me back to March of this year. I was barely 18 and I was admitted to a psych ward. I told them going in, “You can do everything you want to me, hit me with your best shot, but I’m going to die, and I’m going to do it myself. I may get out of here alive, but that’ll be the end of it.” I figured I’d hit rock bottom and there was no way to get back up. And all that time, being the youngest in the ward by many years, I just kept hearing things like, “How could you want to kill yourself? You have so much potential, so much possibility, everything is ahead of you.” I wanted to scream, “I have so much pain, too. A lot of damage can be done in 18 years.” Unfortunately, I even heard similar things from a number of the counselors and nurses there. It blew my mind that even knowing the dirty details of everything I’d been through, they could say that to me. I usually steer clear of pieces like this, because I’m still 18 and it’s still so fresh, and I can generally only handle talking about it in a safe space. But this pulled me in, and I’m glad it did. I hope writing this was a therapeutic experience for you; I know it helped me to read it. I’m deeply, genuinely sorry for what you went through, and please know that as patients, we do (or will, eventually) appreciate the many sacrifices you make in the name of duty every day. It’s because of you I have another chance at life, and it’s because of you I’m going to spend all the time I can helping those who have seen what we’ve seen. Blessings, peace, and love — Marissa

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