Stopping streaming, and what comes next.
Believe it or not, stopping streaming is a good thing.
Why, you ask? Because I finally feel like I’ve dropped a huge burden, and I can now do anything I want.
To be honest, all this time I’ve been reluctant to stop streaming because I felt that people would look down on me for it, would judge me because I no longer streamed. Was that feeling stupid? Very stupid. But hey, I think a lot of stupid things. And if anyone did judge me for stopping?
Fuck ‘em.
It’s probably clear to anyone who’d watched any of my streams in the last couple of months that I just haven’t been enjoying it. It’s difficult to say what exactly kept me trying to come back over and over, but in the last couple of weeks I’ve just had absolutely zero motivation. Back when I started to stream, back aaaallll the way back in 2014, I did it for fun. Then I wanted to stream to share my gaming experiences with others, maybe even become a partner one day, then as my mental health has worsened it became a way of staying connected with people who love gaming as much as I do.
Recently? It just felt like a chore. I got massive anxiety whenever I even thought about streaming. Every time I wrapped a stream up I felt empty, deflated. But I kept going because I wanted it to feel rewarding, wanted to achieve whatever it was I wanted to get out of streaming. Trouble is, I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. I wasn’t growing. I felt like I was continuing to stream for all the wrong reasons. I was starting to feel bitter and resentful towards other streamers. So I finally accepted that the only way I was going to get better in the other aspects of my life was to let go of the anchor that was holding me down: streaming.
Will I miss streaming? I’ll miss my community, for sure. But I honestly feel this is best for me in the long run. I really need to focus on improving myself, and the time spent streaming and, more importantly, worrying about streaming is going to be spent doing stuff that I actually want to to. Not only am I starting therapy again and going back on medication, but more gym time, more writing time, and maybe knuckling down and starting work on the projects I’ve had rattling around my brain for a long time. These include:
- Game/movie reviews (written or video)
- Two podcast ideas
- Photography???
Of course, you guys know I’ve quit streaming more times than Terry Funk has quit wrestling (google that crazy old bastard), and lots of you are probably thinking “yeah, you’ll come back”. Of course, there is every chance that I’ll stream again one day, but A. it won’t be for a loooong time, and B. it won’t be on Twitch (Hi Mixer!). However, I’m not even going to think about streaming at all until I feel completely and totally ready, and I don’t feel anywhere near ready.
That said, will I still be around on Twitch?
Of course! In fact, I want to become more involved than ever, just not with my own channel. I feel like I have enough passion and knowledge about Twitch to become a community/broadcaster manager for any channel. If you know someone who’s looking for a CM/BM, let me know! I’d love to chat with them.
I am also actively looking for an entry-level role within the games industry, in the QA or community management sections. If you know any UK-based companies that are hiring, please let me know!
I think I’ve said everything that needs to be said. Keep on rockin’.
Your boy,
Grumble/Elliot
