The End… for now.

There comes a time in every person’s life where they have to make a tough decision. One that they don’t know if they’ll end up regretting. For me, I’m making the decision now. For a long time, I’ve struggled to find my place on Twitch. I’ve always tried to be the best content creator I can, only to be held back by my mental health. My brain would lead me to believe that trying to become a success on Twitch is pointless, no one likes me or my content and that I should just give up. This has led to much frustration, pain and sleepless nights. I don’t want to continue like this. It’s going to lead down a very dark path. The last few months on Twitch have been an uphill struggle. I don’t want to keep banging my head against a brick wall, feeling that I have no worth.

So I’m making the decision that, for the foreseeable future, I will not be streaming. I find absolutely no joy in it anymore. I don’t want my self-worth to be decided by how many viewers I get. I don’t want to feel like I’m beneath anyone else anymore. I don’t want to be Grumble again until I know that I can fully commit to it. Too many times recently I’ve gone live, had zero viewers at the start and thought “no one cares, what’s the point?”. And I still wonder if anyone will care about this post. And it’s that kind of attitude that I need to get rid of. When I first started streaming, back in 2014 as ElliotPlays, I didn’t care if I got viewers or not. I was just having fun. For the past few months, I haven’t had any fun while streaming. Maybe I was just never meant to be a streamer? Maybe my own poor mental health has finally sucked the last drop of joy out of the one thing I have a true passion for?

This isn’t to say I’m done for good. I know that if I decided to stop streaming for good, I would regret it and want to come back. That’s why I’m making this a hiatus for an undisclosed amount of time. I may stream from time to time, when my mental health allows me to, but I don’t know when that will be.

I’ve met some wonderful people through Twitch, but have also been exposed to some truly nasty, toxic people. And I feel if I continue down the path that I am, I’ll eventually end up becoming one of those people; bitter, jealous and sad.

While I’m away from Twitch I’ll be concentrating on rebuilding myself: improving my mental health, losing weight, saving money for a place of my own. For too long I’ve focused too much on Twitch and not enough on what really matters — myself. I’ll still be uploading the occasional Youtube video and writing the odd review, but it will be on a casual basis. I no longer have any dreams of Twitch or Youtube partnership, because it feels like a fruitless chase. I’m just letting whatever happens, happen.

Thanks for reading. See you on the other side.

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