Bitchy Lil’ Toes…A Play About Toes

Open on a pair of bare female feet dangling off a lawn chair.

Pool party action in the form of feet wearing the latest trendy sandals whizzes past, and house music blares in the background. Zoom in on the left foot. We notitce each of the toes, which feature french manicures, have facial features…and their own personalities.

MIDDLE TOE: I love pool parties!

INDEX TOE: You know it girl. We get to show off the French petis, and we look fine!

FOURTH TOE: Time to show it off. Dance bitches! Dance!

The pretty INDEX TOE, MIDDLE TOE, AND FOURTH TOE, wiggle together, as the BIG TOE goes the opposite direction and the PINKY TOE hardly moves at all.

INDEX TOE (to BIG TOE): Hold up, hold up. What are you doing over there Precious?

BIG TOE: What? I love to dance.

BIG TOE wiggles a bit on her own.

MIDDLE TOE: You’re totally embarrassing us…again.

INDEX TOE: OMG I’m super sick of you. Why don’t you go away?

BIG TOE: Because I can’t.

FOURTH TOE: Like duh exponentially! We know, we just want you to know we wish you were never born.

BIG TOE (hurt): Why do you always have to pick on me? Because I’m big boned?

MIDDLE TOE: No, because your totally stupid…Yes, because your fat! You’re a fattie boomballady.

INDEX TOE: I can’t stand being next to you. Your blocking my sun.

FOURTH TOE: At least you’re not forced to stand next to this lame runt over here.

PINKY TOE (offended): Hey…

MIDDLE TOE: Don’t get me started. She can’t even dance.

PINKY TOE: I too can dance.

INDEX TOE: Let’s see you try.

The PINKY TOE barely musters a wiggle. The rest of the TOES on the foot stiffen up (as the owner of this foot is stretching out her soles).

INDEX TOE: You are useless.

PINKY TOE: No, you are!

INDEX TOE: I hope you get stubbed on a door again.

PINKY TOE: I hope you die.

Suddenly BIG TOE smothers INDEX TOE, crossing over the top like people often do with their toes.

INDEX TOE: Get off me large Marge. Like hello?! Why do you always do that?!

BIG TOE: I love you.

Awkward silence.

MIDDLE TOE: All I know is I’m the prettiest.

INDEX TOE: No, I am.

The MIDDLE TOE, INDEX TOE, and FOURTH TOE start yelling about who’s prettiest. Suddenly they stop, startled by a pair of hands that come into the scene. The hands fasten skimpy sandals on to the foot.

BIG TOE is crammed up against the strap on the right side. But she’s better off than PINKY TOE who is dangling out of the sandal straps on the left side, as usual.

FOURTH TOE: Check out Pinky.

MIDDLE TOE: What a loser.

PINKY TOE: Hey screw you. Okay? You think I want to stick out like this? Just do me a favor and leave alone till we’re out of these.

INDEX TOE: All I know is, thank God for open toe footwear because I look the best in these shoes!

MIDDLE TOE: No, I do!

FOURTH TOE: No, I do!

The MIDDLE TOE, INDEX TOE, and FOURTH TOE start yelling about who looks best in the shoes…until a pair of feet walking around in hard soled shoes steps on them. The foot twitches around and the hands come back in the scenes to massage the pain.

The MIDDLE TOE, INDEX TOE, and FOURTH TOE are wailing in pain. They are throbbing and red. Meanwhile BIG TOE and PINKY TOE, unhurt by the stomp, have their moment of satisfaction.

And all is right with the world…of toes.

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