Game of Thrones S08 E05: Burnination of Thrones
️ Ladies and gentlemen boys and girls and non-binary compatriots,
Rise up from the ashes and remember if you or a loved one has been diagnosed with mesothelioma you may be entitled to compensation — because IT’S TIME FOR ANOTHER GoT RECAP.
How’s everyone feeling today? Good? Still hype? ME TOO.
Also I’ll be honest it was probably all the wine I drank at our group watch last night but the first words out of my mouth after the episode ended were: HOW DO I MAKE THIS FUNNY?!
Fear not, there was plenty of ridiculousness still worthy of commentary but I just have to stand up and start the slow clap because this episode TRULY felt like a ruthless return to form.
Oh, people didn’t get their proper neat redemption arcs that remind you they’re individuals with moral failings and GoT is not a fairy tale? Remember what show you’re watching.
We were reminded there are really no good guys and bad guys, just people either hungry for power or getting caught up in the storm? Yeah, that’s been the show the whole time.
Dany “taking what is hers with fire and blood”? IT’S BEEN BUILDING UP FOR SEASONS.
Please refer to this reddit thread if you have any doubts: https://www.reddit.com/…/spoilers_the_queen_of_ashes_theor…/.
Y’all remember the Red Wedding and stuff like the death of Oberyn Martell when a lot of us talked about rage-quitting the show?
Then remember how we were all like MORE PEOPLE SHOULD’VE DIED IN THE LONG NIGHT?
Well, be careful what you wish for, children.
I’ll leave y’all to argue about writing quality/Dany’s plot line feeling rushed though, because…
*~*~*~*~*IT’S TIME TO GET INTO THE EPISODE BREAKDOWN.*~*~*~*~*
❄️ We open with Varys, The People’s Queen, Very Officially Committing Very Treason
“Dear Whoever, JON SNOW IS THE SPECIAL PROPHECY BOI.” (to quote Lanie Presswood)
Also he’s apparently been trying to poison Daenerys via a small kitchen child? Ok Spider Bro, some things never change I guess.
He makes one last appeal to He who Knows Nothing, Jon “But She is My Kween and Because I Said So Other People will Totally Side with Her Because That’s Totally How Things Work” Snow, and is rebuffed.
Next stop: dragon snack station #choochoo
❄️ Then we’ve got Mother of Dragons, wig and brows askew, witnessing the last appeal of Team Diplomacy
Tyrion: “We got a problem.”
Daenerys: Troo. I’m out of under-eye concealer.
T: It wasn’t me though, Varys is committing Very Official Treason and — ”
Dany: “JON’S DUMB HONESTY RUINS EVERYTHING. ALSO CAN SOMEONE AT LEAST BUILD ME A SEPHORA, FUCK.”
❄️ The Varys death scene isn’t even something I can joke about tbh, I thought it was really well done.
Tyrion and Varys were the Dynamic Duo constantly working to pull the silent strings in Westeros to serve the realm and help put a just ruler on the throne.
Tyrion’s put everything in the Dany basket so when Varys gets wise and betrays her, he has to follow through. You really get it.
And Varys dies, head held high, staring a dragon in the eye. A fitting end.
Tyrion and Varys — the underrated bromance of the entire show. *pours one out*. I’ll miss the dick jokes.
Meanwhile this Jon is doing his best Keanu Reeves “whoa” impression because it’s apparently ALL DAWNING ON JON JUST NOW THAT SPICY TROUBLE IS A-BREWIN’.
The line between liberator and burnitator is thin, apparently.
❄️ Then Jon bumbles in while Grey Worm and Dany are burning Missandei’s last known possession where he gets one last shot at Incest that could Save the Kingdom
And he FUMBLES THE BALL.
Is it weird to anyone else that a lot of this hinges on, like, Jon being squicked out he’d be marrying/banging his aunt? Maybe a heart to heart with the Lannister twins might’ve changed his mind.
Once again, Jon ruins everything by trying to do the right thing.
❄️ But I have to say that Dany has apparently finally learned some battle tactics. YAS!
After Team Diplomacy has failed fifteen million times, it finally occurred to her “If we try to be nice, Cersei will find a way to fuck us.”
AND SHE’S NOT WRONG, FOLKS. ANARCHY IN THE KL.
God this sucks for Tyrion. And like, everyone. But mostly Tyrion.
Then she’s like “PS your big bro is the un-sneakiest idiot. We busted his one-handed ass at the border.”
❄️ Which brings us to ANOTHER scene I can’t even make fun of because of MY FEELINGS.
Tyrion is all of us trying awkwardly to be respectful of other cultures, completely butchering the language and having them mercifully say “I speak English. What do you want?”
I think it’s so interesting here that at the end of the day, time and time again with these characters, it seems to come down to family, and trying to save the people you have in the world.
At the macro level it’s all kings and queens and chaos, but at the micro and our day to day experiences, we care most about the people who shaped us above all.
Yes, this was definitely a George RR ending for most of these characters. Moral failings all around.
Hook me up to an IV of this anti-hero level tragedy because I AM LIVING.
❄️ Meanwhile, standard issue King’s Landing peasantry are filing into FEMA shelters I mean The Red Keep.
Jaime and The Hound try to look slick sneaking around in completely unseasonal black hooded capes. Arya is just… walking.
Also can we talk about how the Golden Company uniforms were clearly sponsored by Anthropologie?
Those harem pants and suede boots are verrrry 2019 casual battle chic.
Also Aaron Rodgers was supposed to have a cameo in this episode? Did anyone spot him?
❄️ Then IT’S THE MORNING OF THE BATTLE
Unsullied: No dicks, all power.
The North Men: Grumpy and bearded, ready to turn rapey at a moment’s notice.
The Dothraki: Still… existing? I guess they weren’t all killed by wights that time THEY HAD NO DRAGONGLASS #thenorthsmemoryisselective
Dany: Still hangry
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
AND GUESS WHO LEARNED HOW TO SERPENTINE: THAT’S RIGHT, THE BIG BAD DROGON.
YIPPEEKAYAY MOTHERF —
❄️ Oh wow The Golden Company kinda didn’t matter did it?
No wonder elephants weren’t in the budget.
This was honestly the one real disappointment of the episode.
I loved the Golden Company’s branding as a whole and was looking forward to them demonstrating their USP and battle, but we never got to see the fight. BOO.
❄️ Then, after probably like 20 minutes of Absolute Mayhem that’s even putting a dent in Cersei’s smug mug… surrender happens.
The Panicking Peasants start calling for the bells to be rung annnnnd that’s how the episode ends.
Dany will now take over as ruler of the Iron Throne, Grey Worm will oversee the Transition Committee, and Jon Snow will act as Press Secretary thanks everyone we can all go home now.
JK, DANY SNAPS, GREY WORM GIVES NO FUCKS, PEASANTS ARE IN FULL PANIC MODE AND THE DAY HAS JUST BEGUN.
WHO ARE THE GOOD GUYS ANYMORE? NO ONE- JUST AS GEORGE RR INTENDED.
WHAT’S THAT DANY IS PAINTING ON THE TOWNSPEOPLE IN FIRE?
ARE THOSE THE WORDS “FUCK DIPLOMACY”?!!???!
❄️ Meanwhile, we’re finally getting rid of The Least Interesting Villain in Westeros, Euron I guess.
He somehow… swam to shore all the way from Blackwater Bay…?
Anyway he died as he lived: like a weird fucking idiot.
Also this is the point where everyone was like “Jamie nooo don’t let Euron kill you he’s so lame!”
And I yelled “No, Euron stabbed Jamie at his side! He’s not dead yet, he can still keep walking for like 5 more miles.”
It is known.
Bye Euron, Weird Queenfucker. We won’t miss you.
❄️ And now, The Murder Family say their goodbyes.
Again, I don’t have much funny stuff to stay here either, as hype as I was getting for Clegane Bowl in this moment it was really touching to hear Arya call him Sandor and thank him.
And maybe he’s right. A life motivated by revenge is no life at all…
… But also like, what is Arya, Badass Slayer of the Night King, supposed to do without revenge driving her?
She’s picked up all these mad assassin skills and is she just supposed to retire them and go be barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen in Riverrun with Gendry…?
Guess we’ll find out.
❄️ Anyway: CLEGANE BOWWWWWWWWL. GET HYPE. *AIR HORNS*
Also Qyburn probably gets the award for quickest death. HIS HEAD EXPLODED SO FAST WTF.
Speaking of, Cersei sneaking past The Mountain and The Hound was by far the funniest moment of the whole episode.
“Oh! It’s you! Wow you know what I’m just remembering I left some wildfyre burning in the oven when I was making some coffee so I’m just gonna… slip on by… here….
Hi Hound, you look great congrats on your Murder Baby and stuff ok…”
Also: THAT’S what The Mountain looked like under his helmet? OK, verrrry Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi.
I wanted at least like, a big chunk of his face gone. He just kinda looked like the butler from The Adams Family — y’all know the one?
❄️ And then we have some really interesting overlapping scenes of heroes in their most desperate hour.
Jaime and Cersei meeting up, all tears and desperation.
Arya getting almost trampled by The Great Peasant Panic and absorbing about 8 different kinds of PTSD en route.
Clegane Bowl bowl not going super well
Arya gets up and keeps running.
Jaime and Cersei head downstairs.
And The Hound screams “FUCKING DIE” and we’re all like “Honestly same”.
And so Clegane’s story ends by him deliberately running into both his brother AND fire, the two things he was afraid of all his life. I loved that.
RIP, Murder Daddy.
Also I also have to say here this scene is where the cinematography got REALLY amazing.
I feel like we were being put in the middle of the bombing of Dresden or Hiroshima or the London blitz. Just sheer panic and destruction, buildings hundreds of years old being completely blown apart.
❄️ And at last we come back to Jon “Wait, are we the bad guys!?” Snow who finally remembers the words “fall back”
He had also discovered he made the worst deal in the history of trade deals. A few dragons for a one-night stand against The Night King and now he has to serve a crazy queen forever.
All it took was one look from Davos.
Does The Onion Knight get an award for being the most reasonable person in Westeros? He should.
❄️ Also Arya’s clearly caught the family disease of Trying to Help People and Accidentally Getting them Killed.
RIP, random peasant lady who looked a lot like the youngest brother from Malcom in the Middle.
❄️ And here we have the final scene of Jaime and Cersei. Let’s talk about this one.
Personally what I reeeeeally wanted was for Jaime to take a big ol long sword and stab it through both of them.
BUT THIS IS GoT AND THERE’S NONE OF THAT FAIRY TALE HEROISM SHIT HERE. These two are ending life as they began it, together.
He’s an addict with this one big moral failing, and he was true to it to the very end.
The desperation and fear and humanity in this last moments — where it’s not about the castle, it’s not about ruling, it’s about people just wanting to desperately stay alive.
Nothing else matters in a moment like that. Just you and the people you care about.
She and Jaime died died alone and afraid as the weight of their decisions came down around them. Poetry.
❄️ Then Arya finds… a white horse??
A little on the nose with the symbolism there GoT, but so be it.
Arya, go home sweetie. Take a shower. Check in for some therapy.
Go team up with your big sis Sansa, a.k.a. The Rightest Woman in Westeros.
WHICH BRINGS US TO THE END OF THE EPISODE, AND UPON SEEING THE CREDITS LITERALLY EVERYONE WE WERE WATCHING WITH STARTED SHOUTING.
QUESTIONS FOR THE FINALE:
Will Arya ever use her faces again or are we just done there…?
Will Bran actually do something useful?
Will Jon get his head out of his butt or die trying?
WHO WILL KILL THE QUEEN OF ASHES?!
Catch you in… the North? The ruins of King’s Landing? I LEGITIMATELY DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN NEXT AND I AM SO HYPE.
THIS IS WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR. HERE WE GO Y’ALL.
GAME ON.
