How Not to Greet Your Son in Front of His Friends

Did it hurt, when your freckles fell from the sky and hit you on your face, my freckle-faced angel boy?

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride!

I found the box for your teeth!

Mr. Jingles!

Light of my life! Fire of my loins!

April is the cruelest month. Happy birthday, Lemuel.

Who are you?

I don’t know you.

Sorry, have we met?

Are you sure we know each other?

My name is Roberta, and I’ve never seen you before in my life.

I once had a pet squirrel, but a son? No, never a son. I would remember a son.

[Holding life-size Lucille Ball doll] You got some ‘splainin to do!

Where have all the flowers gone? Did you eat them? ARE YOU EATING FLOWERS AGAIN, MAGNUS?

Speaking of sheaves of wheat!

Did you bring the goat?

Where’s the goat?

I said one small goat, Harrison.

YOU BROUGHT ZERO GOATS. GET OUT.

If it isn’t Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo! Oh, OK. Yeah, it’s not. Sorry, I didn’t have my glasses on. Hi, Luke. Hi, Braden.

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