Letter to the Couple Licking Each Other Next to Me on This Couch

Good Morning!

I can tell by the way you’re licking each other that you’ve met before. It’s a nice couch, isn’t it? Nothing wrong with a little kissing on the couch. You know what’s not kissing, though, and also inappropriate in a coffee shop setting? That’s right: licking. Listen, I’m sure you’re having a great time. I mean, I know you’re having a great time. One of you just shouted, “I’M HAVING A GREAT TIME,” followed by, “OOOOOH, LICK MY SCALP AGAIN.”

But, here’s the thing: I feel like there are other places where you could lick each other. And by “other places,” I don’t mean “behind the ear” or “on the clavicle,” because clearly you already know about those. Have you considered a hotel? What about an open field? Even a nice steakhouse?

At first I thought maybe it was an accident. I mean, who hasn’t kissed someone at a coffee shop, only to accidentally lick their lower back tattoo? Not me! I thought maybe you meant to kiss, but your tongues slipped and then, “Uh-oh, now we’re licking each other!” It happens.

When the thigh licking started, though, that’s when I knew. That’s no accident. One person is clearly and deliberately licking another person’s thigh, and that second person — the one being licked — is yelping. Then both of you started yipping, and I thought, “I DON’T CARE HOW GOOD THE CORTADO IS AT THIS COFFEE SHOP. THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH.”

That’s when I knew I had to do something. I took a deep breath and brayed like a donkey. In my head, it was supposed to be more of a, “Hey hey, what’s going on?” followed by a brief introduction and exchange of pleasantries. What actually happened was I brayed like a donkey. Neither of you seemed to notice, though. I wouldn’t notice either, if someone had their hand on my thigh and their tongue on my ankle.

So, I tried a different approach. I pretended I didn’t know English — only minor dialogue from Casablanca. I asked, “Liebchen — sweetness. What watch?” Nothing. Well, not nothing. There was moaning, and there was licking. Also, one of you removed your watch and handed it to me.

I just want to say: there’s a time and a place for licking the one you love. I also want to say: time stopped on the watch you gave me. I’ll leave it on the glistening navel directly to my left.

Heidi Meurer