I Have a New Relationship with Death

You know the old trope about having a devil sitting on one shoulder trying to lead you astray, while an angel sits on the other shoulder trying to nudge you to the path of righteousness? I have a version of that going on, except it’s Thanatos, also known as Death, on one shoulder while Elpis, the spirit of hope, sits on the other.

They are both talking to me constantly, interrupting each other, trying to hold my attention. I try to tune them out because I am working full time through chemo and don’t have the bandwidth for their antics, but still there they are, nattering away.

I’m quite familiar with Elpis. She hopped on my shoulder some years ago and convinced me to make some very big life changes that would make me much happier. She was right, too. The changes (such as the drawn-out, painful process known as divorce) were hard, but the end result was a better life for both me and my ex. After that success, I started feeling hopeful about all kinds of things.

For example, I started making plans for my future. I envisioned a lengthy future in which I would live to be 90-something, remain in good health, and be financially secure. My partner and I spent hours talking about the things we might do and the places we might go. And on days when Elpis is most convincing, I still believe all of that might happen.