Simplicity

We need such simplicity, sometimes might be hard to see through a life that complicates frameworks and mindsets, to which we so hardly adapted. After years, being afraid, hiding, and putting up with all the bullshit we learn to be the real deals of life and accomplishments. Here I am, facing all the bullshit I created to myself. And the worst part is to think I only did it for approval, out of being scared of being less than I am. Gosh, how come it all left me being afraid to be truth and honest to myself, my feelings and just made me paralyzed? So lost. Feelingless. Self-less. I got so freaking scared to simply live, truly, simply. How the hell we came to that?!

Today I did something I would probably have never done any other day in my life so far, I stopped lying and hiding. I stopped being a living contradiction that says one thing and does another. I stopped bullshitting.

Today I admitted my feelings.

I am that kind of person that works like hell, and usually is perceived as workaholic. I have lost myself in the “shoulds”, “must bes”. Without even realizing I lost sight of what was mine or not. Having so many perspectives in mind, I forgot what mine was. I forgot to see with my own eyes. You see, I just forgot. Like a key on the table, or a coffee, or a book, a forgettable thing like many other… I forgot. And got caught up in the middle of so much bullshit that was not even mine to begin with. Worries that were never mine, preoccupations… These are the best in my opinion. Pre-occupy basically defines ones wishes to either became absolutely insane or particularly blind. Today, I spend like 5 minutes in a conversation that I was holding back for months. Months I filled with preoccupation around… honestly anything I say right now will be as much nonsense as it was every single time I got worried about it. It was not hard to hold it back though, you know, I must say that was actually the easiest part. I must have gotten it after years of lying to myself and pretending.

But that's not what got me to today. Hypocrisy did.

After telling people I care about, how they deserve to be happy, loved and true to themselves. It hit me: How can I possibly be telling others I believe in things I never did? And worst, say that they deserve it, when I spend most of my life sabotaging myself to believe I didn't need either deserved this things? I became a hypocrite. And that was the ONE thing I new my entire life, I could not live with.

This past few years have been a real trip inside, on the search of reconnection and understanding. In this time, life has taught me that fear usually guides me to the things that are usually the real deal when it comes to being worth. And I was too afraid to even talk much about making this decision. So I decided, I looked for support as I could. And did it.

Today I realized how far of I lost track from the things I believe, that matter and are truly important to me. I specially stopped believing in myself somewhere in the middle of it. And looking at the younger, fearless, bold me… I don't think that's something she would have ever wished me. I actually reconnected with old dreams and perspectives for a moment, and it was beautiful. Maybe that's the moment it happened, some when, I actually left all the bullshit weight behind me. I never realized how much bullshit there was until I finally said the things I holding on to. I never realized I was actually holding on to those things instead of making them through, living them. I stored and carried them, all along. Now, they are gone.

A friend just told me earlier today: "you get things and make it easier to understand, I have no idea how you do it, but you do." They say, easier said than done. Well, I guess I must have done it right by her, and seeing her glad for me to have finally have taken my own simple advices, was just beautiful to me. It got me long enough to just accept that anyone would tell me things like that from a legit place. But just as I letted go of the weight, I had space to start taking it in. And it has freed me.

Just like that, letting go of all the garbage I was so carefully carrying, I found freedom. Space. So much space to feel, or not feel, just flow. Not to analyze, not to understand, just perceive what comes from within me. Not to hold on, not to carry, but actually to let go. And this space has been changing my mind for the past few months, a great deal actually. I can barely begin to imagine what it will do to my emotions, to my feeling.

Just like that, and once again, I learned how love is diverse and plural and plenty. But this time, more than ever, simple. So simple, and in it's simplicity, one of the biggest ways my emotions could have rewarded and recognized me for just being who I am and acting accordingly. Not talking, acting. And by acting, being.

I am not looking for love. But thank you moment, for reconnecting me with it, in such a pure way. Thank you for making me realize, in my very bones, I am love. I live it every single time I flow with what feels true to me. I honor it every time I feel it, just feel it. Learn to feel, such a natural thing, still can't remember how to do it without guilty for underachievement or under performing. They say we learn by doing. Feeling has been such a remarkable teacher. The more I feel, the more I find in me an entire universe I can begin to explain. The more I see love in the little things, the more I see it being part of me. The more I act truthfully, the more I recognize it in me. The more I live, the more I became it. And it fills me, with precious uncountable things. With such intensity, truth, colors. Life.

I am not sure anyone will be able to get through this text and quite get it, but today's lesson was: do what you got to do, say what you need to say, but moreover, be. Just be.

So being, here this one goes. Not for you, or anyone, or for any specific reason, but for me to be me here, now. And if it grows in places outside me, remember to nurture truth before taking any other in. If this inspire anyone on this hard, bumpy, scary path of looking in, I wish you love. Not for others or things, but in moments. All moments in your life. For life. For you. For yourself.

Love.

Sounds like a great journey start.

"Don't be afraid to die, be afraid of a not lived life."- Tuck Everlasting.