What sober feels like
No, I am not nuts, or, I am rather convinced I am not. It’s all relative, after all.
I am 32 and live in London. I loved my drink like the next woman and every weekend the Anglo-Saxon binge would take place, although I would not do the fully-fledged version of it, i. e. drink till I vomit/end up crawling on my hands and knees.
Every Friday I would have a bottle of red (and quite a good one, sorry Rioja!) at home between my boyfriend and I or, even better, just for myself (on his workout day). At work on Friday at around noon I would start thinking about how I would get back home with a bottle of red, pour the first glass, and have the first sip. The huuugely satisfying first sip. Then another one and another. It was like water. Water that would make me happy.
Beer (Guinness oh Guinness) and cider would be like water to me as well. 5 pints of Guinness at a gig was the perfect amount (to go with the Black Sabbath on stage and not such a great pilgrimage to the loo every 20 minutes!). Pub-crawling with my friend was a perfect way to wash down the food eaten beforehand. One pub, one beer. Next!
I would never do shots or cocktails, however, and very rarely had Scotch (which I adore!).
The drinking would go on until I was too tired and really drunk but not so as to vomit. I always do things 120% rather than 48%; moderation is not my thing. When drunk enough, I would stop and quickly go in search of my bed, abandoning whatever I was doing then and there (such as playing a computer game). Sometimes I would even quickly drink two glasses of water before bed to prevent the headache the next day (it works!). Alcohol is a diuretic — it deprives your body of water and hence your brain shrivels.
One day, just like that, I decided to save myself and stop drinking. I did not reach the bottom, I did not do something utterly evil, I did not have a painful reality check. So….
What made me stop?
- Health
I guess the biggest factor for me. I know how damaging the poisonous beverages are to all the precious organs I carry in my body sack, with my brain being the most cherished of them all. Forgoing alcohol in my case is a mixture of concern and calculation, a need to treat myself and my body well, because no one else can do that instead of me. Self love and self care needed to be awoken.
2. An interview with an expert
Before I decided to go sober, I watched an interview with someone who is an expert on fighting additions. He made me very much aware of the reasons behind my drinking and the adverse effects it has on a person’s body and functioning (obvious but hit home then and there). The link to the interview is not going to be provided as it was conducted in my mother tongue rather than English but it was this that triggered my decision.
4. Future plans
I would like to have children in 2–3 years’ time and binge drinking is not the right path to it. Being responsible and acting mature is. I want to know that I have done everything in my power to keep myself healthy and ready for pregnancy.
5. The past
My grandpa died of alcoholism and I would not want to end up like him.
6. Self-disgust
This was not a huge problem but occasionally I would feel bad about being so reliant on alcohol for fun and relief. Remorse would sometimes play a part as well as remembrance of things past…
7. Safety
Not the biggest factor of them all again but it is safer for me not to drink. Being sober and able to judge every situation clearly is a good thing. Opening the flat’s front door in search of the loo and leaving it open on realising that this was not the right door is not.
Why was I drinking?
- To unwind
Life in a big city is stressful and I frequently find it hard to manage the constant, unsolicited stimuli. I get angry too frequently, both with people and things I have no influence on: stupidity, lack of good manners, inefficiency, crowds.
2. To kill the pain
I am not overly traumatised and I have had a decent life so far. But I am sensitive. A memory of a disabled person I saw the other day could come back to me when drunk and I would be crying thinking of all the hardships they must endure on a regular basis.
3. To become a better person
It may sound counter-intuitive, but when sober I would be less friendly. They say a person’s true nature comes out when they are drunk and mine tends to be the opposite of the (daily) angry and aggressive. I love people and the world when drunk. I want to hug everyone and forgive everything. A drunk angel kind of act.
4. Easier interaction
I am not shy but alcohol made me even less so. I used to combine fun with Joycean stream of consciousness kind of confessionalism (I know this is the wrong word but you know what I wish to say). Things would be deeper, more exciting, and oh so frivolous through eyes and ears glazed with poison.
5. sXe
This one is to be treated humorously. I love hardcore music (not to be mistaken for techno hardcore) and the culture surrounding it that encourages being good, also to oneself. One of the subcultures is the Straight Edge one(no drugs, no alcohol, no meat, hardcore music) which I have always found impressive and about which I was saying that would love to be a part of BUT for my inability to stop drinking. I kept saying ‘I’d like to be sXe but I like my drink too much.’ So, here I am.
Do not get me wrong, I am not a crazed teen who needs to identify themselves with a given subculture and look the part. I have always found self-denial as the right way to live. And sXe seems closest to representing what I believe in at the moment but I am not thinking about myself as Straight Edge. If I did, I’d be xAleksx, haha.
So what does sober feel like?
It has been two months already and the only kind of alcohol I had was the alcohol-free beer (or less than 0.5% version of it — does that count as cheating?). No alcohol and a god diet resulted in the following:
- Better sleep
Even one beer affects the quality of sleep. The morning after binge drinking is tough. It is so much more difficult to get out of bed if you had a drink or two the night before, and your whole day is all about unproductive survival. Right now I may not always get a good night’s sleep but I feel better on waking up — no headaches, no tiredness, no lack of motivation.
2. No remorse
I do not have to ask my boyfriend the next day about the weird things I said when drunk and my odd antics he was faced with. Although frequently funny, I no longer have to worry about yet another spontaneous spell of heavy breathing on the floor because I feel sick and getting to bed seems like a trip to the Moon. They are gone now and with them the remorse.
3. Sharper brain
I very much depend and pride myself on my ability to think clearly and quickly. By giving up drinking and eating in a better manner, I went back to my old self — someone whose senses and the ability to think are not regularly affected by a huge amount of alcohol that destroys my precious brain cells. I went back to being sharp as a knife.
4. Better skin
This could obviously fall into the health category, but I would like to give it a separate nod. I have had acne for years and alcohol, as it turned out, was making it worse. By skipping drinking, my skin is no longer inflamed (=angry with me) and unhappy. This is not to say it is perfect but it is okay.
5. Sense of compete self-control
It was odd, indeed — even when drunk for the most part I could remember all that I was saying/doing and the same went for others. I could relay drunken stories later to my drinking buddies which they were too drunk to remember. I guess my brain was too entertained by what was happening to forget it. Oddly enough, even when absolutely wasted, I would never go to bed without taking my make up off. NEVER. There was always this reliable modicum of self-control.
On stopping drinking, I have this sense of strength (also, thank you, yoga) and re-gaining self-control. I feel like I became a little bit more respectable and in charge and complete control of my own life, which is always a good feeling to have.
6. More dough
Well, I was the one who used bad wine to wash up with and would rather enjoy a good pint of beer as opposed to what was on the bottom shelf in the supermarket. No wonder, I stopped being a student almost 10 years ago and Foster’s could not/cannot take my fancy.
By not drinking, I am not spending that much money. Right now the beer I buy at the shop is £1.30 rather than £2-odd and a beer at the pub is £2.50 rather than £4.5.
YET
It is not at all all rainbow colours and pretty spring flowers. These belong to the enhanced reality, which I decided to abandon. There is a bunch of things that I do not enjoy about being dry.
Here are the downsides:
- Socialising
It feels weird now as I have always combined socialising with drinking. Having a conversation in a pub when sober, and especially when others around you are getting more and more wasted, is no fun. I am still getting used to it and missing the times when talking would get more and more frivolous, uncontrollable, and wicked. The conversations now are serious throughout.
I do enjoy socialising though and feel like I should be doing more of this. Maybe this is to act as a combination of fun and relief, packed as one, that used to be provided by alcohol?
2. Anger
Without %%% it is more difficult to unwind and to forget about stress/problems/ongoing issues. And, like I said earlier, I am very sensitive — I feel and see more than the majority of people around. There is a lingering Weltschmertz in me. Alcohol is the awfully easy way out but helpful and readily available.
I am trying to calm down by (hehe) bitching, doing sports (yoga and weights), experiencing nature (trees + birds), and learning how to ignore the annoying behaviours and people. It is not easy and I frequently fail — I get tense, teeth ache from grinding, and the urge to slap people on the public transport/street can be overbearing at times.
Some afterthoughts
I would like to continue in my sober state. It is more beneficial to me. Hence I renounce the unicorns and rainbows of drunken joy.
Apparently, after a year of non-drinking, I shall regain the so-called alcohol virginity. I will be like someone who has never had alcohol in their life or like me aged 13 without the backpack (dipping my finger at Christmas in the eggnog as a child does not count, I presume? Thanks, grandma!).
I may however make an exception every now and then for a celebratory bottle of champagne but this is going to be as good as it gets. No straight whiskey, craft beer, or the river of Guinness. No delightfully round French wines (*drooling* now, it is Friday after all).
The sober fight is on and I am not losing it!