Things That Happen When a Desi Speaks Wrong English
As I write this post of mine, I happen to be listening to Romanian music. Why? Well, because I want to, and because I can. And it’s beautiful with all those mythical things about this fictitious thing called love.
And while I listen to it, the lyrics in English are sung in a not so Englishy English. Most Europeans have soft tongues and can’t pronounce a lot of stuff. But it is so damn cute, their akcent. (I hope you get the pun).
As I lived in Pakistan, my parents’ country, for a few years, I happen to know people now and then.
Whenever I interact with anyone, I learn something from them. I learn what to do, how to be a better person. And whenever I interact with any desi, I learn what not to do, and how not be a worse person. (not being racist. with all my respects).
Most people from Pakistan I’ve met, have given me the feeling that they’re ashamed to talk in Urdu — their national language, and/or Punjabi/Pashto/Sindhi/Balochi, etc. — their mothertongue(s). They actually act like they have speaking problems. May be their tongues get caught in beartraps. God knows better. And then comes the worst part: They actually start faking an accent that raises goosebumps on my arms and makes my ears bleed. Please don’t. No.
I’ll recount a recent incident.
While interacting with this person…..let’s call him Mr. Booga Booga…..about work, I felt bad that he was putting unnecessary effort to talk in English and was not being able to communicate effectively. I felt bad and said, “Look, I would rather that you talk in Urdu. It’ll be better,” with a toothy smile. I prefer talking to people in their languages. Makes it much better to communicate
And that guy said, “Ok, so…..(all Urdu)”. I was very happy that he finally got it through. And whenever I talked to this coworker from then on, I talked in Urdu.
And then, one day, he comes up and says, “You know, Hijab. Your grammar sucks. Your English sucks. And you are a paindu (Punjabi for a backward villager).”
“O……kay?” I did not know what I had said that had upset him. But while facilitating things for him, I had accidentally given the impression that I was doing this because I did not know English.
Now, I’m a person who speaks 7 languages, 5 of which fluently. And I have no arrogance nor pride about it. Any of it. It’s a thing that I do, by God’s grace and will, because I have always lived in multicultural environments, and yeah, communication is a huge part of life. I’m a native English speaker and I have no superiority complex about it. Survival things, y’know.
But then I see these people who shame others for something they themselves don’t do right. Here’s what happens:
1. “Urgh. Look at him. He can’t even speak English right. Lowlife.” — Maasi Racheeda, about her classmate who happens to have studied in Urdu all his life.
Every. Fucking. Time. Maasi Racheeda, English is not his first language, and neither yours. Also, it’s not your peyo’s (father’s) property, so get a muzzle and put it over your mouth. You annoy me to death. Mr. Classmate, you’re doing a great job. You’ll learn it little by little. Keep it up!
2. “Look at that European talking in broken Urdu. So cute. Sounds just like me” — The same Maasi Racheeda
Is that you again, Maasi Racheeda? Somebody please bring me the muzzle again. Even though your own language is Urdu, you have no problem somebody speaking it in bits, only because they’re white, and not brown. Shame. Rules change according to races, no? Double standards, do we have here?
3. “Oh, we never talk in Urdu at home, as it is for paindus, you know.”
This one’ my favourite. I have tons of people surrounding me who do this. They don’t let their kids talk in Urdu/Punjabi/Pushto and force them to talk in English (while living in Pakistan), even if they don’t understand half of it and even the parents speak it all wrong. They think that speaking in English will make them a superior, “modern” person, even though their minds will be super shut and they will be the first to violate the rights of others.
4. The weird pronunciations (self made) by my English teachers in an Army college in Pakistan.
Horrible. Horrible. And they made fun of any student who pronounced “wrong” or wrong. Doesn’t matter. What an example for your students. It made my stomach churn. And as I had been shoved into the Pakistani system (and I hated it beyond you can ever imagine), I had to endure it for two solid years. One of my teachers even told me to stop gesturing so much when I spoke. It’s called expressing yourself, sir.
5. Laanday kay Goray (aka Maasi Racheeda)
You guessed it right. They “don’t know” Urdu or their mother tongue, and will take every chance to show off their “skills” to the rest of the world. The inverted commas say it all. Also, these landay kay goray are the worst, most annoying people you can get to meet in your life. These are the ones who make my ears bleed.
6. Grammar Nazis (Maasi Racheeda, again)
Well, well. What do we have here? Yep. This person, who corrects every damn mistake you make. Be it abbreviated words, skipping grammarly stuff — because you’re in a casual conversation and not doing a PhD essay on which your life depends. They’re a pain in the ass. For real. They “own” the English language.
7. The media promotes this sickness
I don’t watch TV. But as much of the desi stuff I have watched, well, they portray the well-educated, modern people as English speakers, and the kaam waali maasis as the peasants who speak in Urdu. And all the rest that they portray — bah, I’m not even going to start.
Look, desis. If this is the only foreign language you know, please don’t be a jerk about it. It’s the only one you know, you know. Nothing new about it. Almost everybody in the world speaks it, more or less. And if any of your countrypeople can’t speak it, or can’t speak it right, it’s because it’s not their language, and they have all the right not to speak it right. You’re the ones who with the mentality of a slave. Let others live in peace.
PS You are annoying as hell.