3:50pm
I grab a slice of cake and gobble down in innocence. I think it’s sweet, so very delicious.
4:15pm
I receive a news that would later shake me and force me to write instead of crying.
I didn’t luck out this time everyone.
…and
I may be disappointing one or two people right now or when they later discover it, but this is me apologising in advance.
I didn’t get an extension.
But I don’t know how to feel.
I should be crying, I won’t have something to look forward to in some weeeks.
I won’t be taking the subway like I usually do. I won’t be waking up so early during the weekday to take my bath. I won’t be wearing formal clothes. I won’t be feeding myself.
I might just be an ordinary person once again.
A very ordinary person with nothing to show.
If you can tell by the way this is written, it’s without worry, without a story line, with a sixth sense that I may or may not find myself crying later tonight.
It’s that I’m feeling this loss with no remorse.
How can I not feel a thing?
You don’t understand.
I put myself down, I let other opportunities be, I let myself slack off, I don’t have a plan B, I disrespected myself to keep this going.
So how can I let this go so willingly and without feeling a thing?
Have you ever felt unseen?
Oh I did.
A lot.
Every single second I spent in this environment was a moment I wanted to pass by so quickly so I don’t relive those days anymore.
So how could I still feel indifferent about this sudden loss?
Have you ever felt unheard?
Because I did.
Maybe it was me or it was the others or just life.
At this particular second, I like to blame it on Life because I do not think I have the heart for another reason to be the why.
But I did.
Every single time.
And I wondered if it was wrong to dream or to exist.
I wondered if there was something else I needed to be to not feel like that.
Oh…
You have no idea.
Have you ever lost something so suddenly and very quickly?
Have you ever needed to cry but never could?
Have you ever stumbled on your words just because there’s an emotion you’re feeling but somehow, for some very unknown reasons, you cannot pick on what it is?
You have no idea
5:24pm
My heart is beating really fast. I have only ever imagined that from the books I have read.
I can tell you now that this is a real feeling.
5:25pm
I’m no longer thinking. My thumb is shaking. I look through the window of the subway. All just to catch this in play as I write.
You know when you suddenly get out of a character and you can’t go back? I can’t.
Usually, when I look in the mirror or my phone in tears, I look ridiculous so I immediately stop crying.
But today, I can’t.
This is just a loss but why do I feel like this is not as ordinary as they put it.
5:29pm
I need to stop. Stop thinking about it. How can I channel my emotions to another spot? How can I make myself think in a positive light ? How do those motivational speakers do it?
5:30pm
The bomb explodes.
But it’s not as loud and big as I imagined …
I bury my head in my hoody. I may cry but I’m still self aware at this very moment.
You can tell that there is a problem with me. Some others just discovered it earlier and decided to let me go.
It’s funny.
I stop crying and I’m not sure why.
Maybe because the ambience in the subway isn’t encouraging enough to be in tears.
Maybe because it’s not the time to tear up.
5:33pm
All these are happening so fast I can barely hear my heart beat. What am I doing? What am I thinking?
Why does a loss have to be like this?
Most importantly, why does the loss have to be for me?
5:35pm
A good time. A multiple of 5.
I close my phone.
When the real bomb explodes, I hope it doesn’t end me.
