A to Z and back

Hannah Brown
Jul 21, 2017 · 3 min read

I read his poem fifty times

I saw myself within the lines

I don’t know if that was his intent

It brought tears to my eyes regardless of what he meant


I am just starting to recognize that what’s in my head

Means nothing if it’s left unsaid

So regardless of who cares how I feel

I owe it to someone to say what’s real


Language is the quantification of thought

regardless of what’s lost

In translation from mind to mouth

And I think of this as I wonder who his poem was about


So many times I’ve read and cried

As thoughts translated from tired eyes

Brought a new perspective of someone I love

And I try to see from their eyes hovering above


Because he continues to shut down

And I know not how

to keep him from drowning


Of course I know how it feels

To be falling from the sky

But I don’t know how to help him heal

And I don’t know why


I know that it’s not my job

To make him magically better

But the fact that he hurts hurts me

Does that make sense?


I’m sitting here trying to grapple with the present tense

In which he’s around the world

In a different place and he’s floating away

So he’s not here for me to look in the eyes and ask “are you okay”


And I know what he’d say

He’d say he’s fine

There’s nothing else he can

The mettle in his mouth becomes ambrosian


To his thoughts

As I sit here and think I have a right

To what goes on in his head

Simply because I feel we’d be better off dead


If the world was without him


So I feel I have no right to ask

And he feels he needs to be brought to task

Of course he should be sad if he wants

But sitting next to me, humming a song


I can feel him hurting

And he’s so undeserving

Of any emotion

with a semblance of relation to pain


The thoughts in my head writhe and buck

But there’s nothing to do with talk but dumb luck

So even though I know what I think

I can’t make my mouth say the words it needs


So please see that I’ve written this entirely selfishly

Because I know that I’m not what he needs

Even though he sees

How much I want to be there for him


I’m a bumbling idiot sometimes

And I’m absolutely terrified

Of the words that come out of my own mouth

Sometimes I just want to shout


My frustration with myself

Because I can’t seem to balance want with able

And selfishly I want him to have thought of me

As he was writing his poem


Because I’ve always hoped he’d see

How much I cared about him without my actually having to speak

Because I know that if I speak enough

I’m going to mess up


I’m so used to feeling lost

I’m so used to feeling used

I’m so used to feeling abused

I’m so used to feeling


And I’m not so used to speaking

So this is all new for me

And I know that it’s messy

Sloppy, doesn’t make sense


Of course I know that I could help him forever

And it might never be enough

And that would be okay with me


And it’s not that he’s too hard to read

Sometimes he wears his heart on his sleeve

I just don’t know how to give him what he needs

It’s so much easier to feel like he does


Than to help someone you love

Because I don’t know what to say

Or if I should even stay


The fact he hurts hurts me

Does that make sense?

I’m trying to find something that’s present tense

For us but I can’t and I guess that’s okay


Just know that I want to stay


Until you’re okay


And it’s okay that you’re not

You have a right to feel that way

And I know that I don’t have a right to feel the way I do

But I guess this was just a long winded version of me trying to say


That I think you’re so undeserving


Of whatever you seem to feel


That’s making you say “I’m fine”

)
Hannah Brown

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