The No-Baloney Guide To Working From Home.

Since leaving London to escape people who name their children Boris, I’ve been working from home. In these short months, I’ve learned that you can get more done, and cram in more box sets and snacks, than if you were in the office.

Like any good procrastinator, I did my research before jumping aboard the WFH Express, and read a lot of blogs. After testing their advice, I’ve found that they were about as accurate as the ingredients list on a pack of deli meat. So here are my 6 No-Boloney tips for working from home.

  1. Get Dressed

Conventional wisdom would have you believe that putting on smart trousers and a shirt will make you feel more like you’re working in an office. Well if that’s what you want, GO AND WORK IN AN OFFICE.

In fact, if you invest in a nice selection of pyjamas, yoga pants and trackie b’s, you’ll be way more comfortable. Working from home is the only excuse you’ll ever have for owning a large variety of soft, baggy trousers. So take that opportunity to slouch now, before someone goes and bloody employs you.

2. Prioritise Tasks

Most bloggers would have you believe that planning out your day is the best way to be productive. That’s total salami. In fact, if you just do the things you feel like doing, then you’re far more likely to enjoy doing them.

You’re working from home because you enjoy it right? Then do yourself a favour and pick the low hanging fruit.

3. Stick to your usual eating routine

Apparently if you have normal times for breakfast, lunch and dinner, you’ll work more effectively. That is utter pastrami. The fact of the matter is that if you have a fridge well stocked with cold meats, obscure european cheeses and assorted pickles, you’ll be able to reward yourself frequently. Nothing motivates you to finish a paragraph like a parma ham, taleggio and piccalilli cracker.

On that note, take five.

4. Ignore the television

I’ve read actual real-life blog posts where people tell you to ignore the wonder box until the working day is over. That is complete bresaola. Your Netflix subscription means you can fit in a whole other series whilst your other half is still in the office.

Having already crammed in a couple of eps. of Narcos makes it a lot easier to endure four back-to-back episodes of prison comedy drama when they get home. So each time you send an email, watch an episode.

Even better are major sporting events, which are on all day. Pop these on in the background to make sure you don’t have to pay full attention to what you’re doing. There’s never been a better time to get into snooker.

5. Don’t sit on the sofa

So you’ve converted your spare bedroom into a makeshift office, complete with yukka plant and wall calendar. I’ve read Linkedin Pulse thought leadership articles actually claiming this can help you work. That’s a pile of Parma ham.

You have a sofa, right? You spent two days of your post-Christmas lull walking around DFS sales sitting on sofas for a reason didn’t you?

In fact, after work you’re going to sit on it, and that’s the fun time. So why not make the bad time better with a bit of respite for your bum?

6. Limit social media

Some spoil-sports think that social media can be distracting, and encourage procrastination. I call Billy Bear slicing sausage on that. Social media is your only friend when you’re working from home.

You can’t lean over the desk and make hilarious innuendo in front of the intern when you’re at home can you? You can’t flirt with that girl from the fin-tech company if you’re not in your co-working hub can you? No.

So speak to people on Twitter.

Snapchat your coffee breaks.

Start an Instagram story.

Catch some Pokemon.

Because those Likes, Hearts and Screenshots are the only human feedback you’re getting all day sonny-jim. Plus there’s a Drowzee outside with your name on it.

There are plenty more ways to ensure that working from home is a picnic.

If I were you, and you don’t want to get anything done, I’d put aside some decent time into finding the perfect cornichon for your sandwich.

If you’ve got work to do however, please completely disregard my advice.