5 THINGS YOU’LL ALWAYS SEE AT YOUR LOCAL CAFE

Sitting quietly in a cafe? Enjoying the music of Miles Davis or Cafe Del Mar Volume 7 and the acoustic clatter of plates and cups? 
Pick your head up and take a look around.

Here’s five things you may have noticed about the place that provides you with your morning coffee fix.

  1. A couple with matching tattoos or piercings. They sometimes look at each other and wonder if one of them should have got a mirror of the tattoo, rather than the exact same. They will break up in three months time when they realise they probably should be “separate entities”, by which he means he’s been fucking her best friend for the last two weeks. She’ll never find out as they’ll disappear on a holiday together and their plane will have an engine failure over the sea. The only thing that will survive the burnt wreckage is a bit of skin with half a tattoo.
  2. A guy who is writing a screenplay for a movie that is already in production. Because he only watches Netflix, he thinks that’s the entire “universe” of films and doesn’t watch trailers or check Deadline. His ‘original’ script — set in the 1930s — is about a woman who loses her child during a routine boat trip across the Atlantic. It’s currently being produced by Universal Pictures for Oscar Season in 2017.
    It’s called “Floatie” and will star Rachel McAdams as the distraught mother and Oscar Isaac as the boat’s captain. A friend will tell him about this only a month before release. He will be on Page 100. He will never finish that screenplay. He will see the film on Netflix with his wife in 2018 and will feel unsatisfied.
  3. A guy who thinks he’s a regular. Actually, he just looks really similar to another guy who just happens to order the same thing. There is a sigh of relief from the barista and waiter every time either of them comes in. If there’s a third person who looks like them, there would be complete and utter chaos. The barista has never learnt his name and never will.
  4. A mother with a baby in a dinosaur onesie. The baby will grow to loathe dinosaurs as s/he gets older. Even the cover of Jurassic World will ruin his day. They won’t know why it will effect them so much until one day, they will see a baby in a stroller in the same style onesie, but in blue. 
    It will all come together and they will fall to their knees and weep openly in the gutter. Little does he know, there are dinosaur bones just beneath him. He will call his mother and she will tell him she has cancer, he will tell her that he’s sorry after all this time.
  5. Coffee. It’s just there, sitting there, plotting and waiting. You don’t know what it’s plans are, but you do. And yet, you just sit and wait and do nothing. You don’t let it free. You don’t talk about it with your friends. You never bring it up when dinner conversations get political. 
    You just let it get roasted like the horrible human being you are. I don’t know how you can live with yourself?

So next time you’re in your favourite little hole in the world, play a bit of cafe bingo and see how many you can spot.

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