So Now You’re Unemployed

A handy guide to handling being unemployed with a healthy mindset.

  1. Tell everyone and soak up the sympathy. 
    Sympathy Hog is now your new professional title. The more people you tell, the better you’ll feel. Sure, it may only last for 3 minutes at a time, as you tell the same story about how you were “wrongfully” let go, but it all adds up now you have so much free time. 
    Tell them about how you were the “model” employee and were doing your absolute best. Now, you get to be The Dark Knight. 
    In fact, you know what, it’s their loss. They’re the ones who are going to miss you. Take your old job like a break up. Decide whose side your co-workers are on. Yours or their jobs. 
    You — the guy that one time looked them in the eyes during a meeting and mouthed they had something in their teeth. 
    Or their job — which keep them stably employed, satisfies them and trains them in the efforts and skills which help further their career and keep them financially stable. 
    You’re not “bitter” or “projecting”; you’re being realistic.
  2. Begin to Beg. Look for any and every single possible opportunity and make promises you probably won’t be able to keep. You’ll be too busy between being disappointed by the Get Down and waking up at 2:45pm, but at least you can start somewhere. Ask old co-workers at former jobs, ask family members, ask the guy in the street with the weird hat. You made a hat once, where did he get that hat, you could make that hat, does the hat place need a new salesman or tailor? You’re just the guy or gal for that hat place! 
    Decide who you need to beg early on to save time. If you don’t, you may be wallowing in your own filth by Tuesday and it can’t be Tuesday, because Monday night is bin night.
  3. Burn All Bridges. Look you’re hurt. You feel hurt. Start handling it in the worst way possible. 
    Didn’t like that one thing, that your co-worker said that one time? Tell them! And make sure you go into excruciating detail about it to. Talk about how spit hit you in the face and how you hated every single syllable that left their lips. And you smiled and nodded and took it on the chin, because maybe they were having a “rough day” — well now who’s having a rough day now, Christice! 
    Let them know on their Facebook Wall, where everyone has valid and knowledgeable opinions, which people take seriously and often have issues resolved. 
    Send homing pigeons and leave mysterious packages at the door of your former workplace. It may seem obvious to them at first who’s doing it, but leave a series of cryptic clues to throw the scent off. I highly suggest using either an alphabetical or numerical code that is based on the name of your CEO or Company Head. 
    This way, people will not think it’s the work of a disgruntled former employee with access to too many birds and Se7en on Blu-Ray, but a new “team building” exercise.
  4. Set your expectations low and go, go, go. So your last job didn’t pan out, so what? The next one might be incredible, but it’s more than likely not going to be. You are now desperate for any job so get ready to remind yourself what minimum wage is like or that your skillset which was “highly valued” means now several years after being out of the job market.
    Times have changed, but sadly your job was “in demand” back in 2014, but now you’re not. 
    Remember, that begging from before, this is a great way to deal with it. It might be difficult at first, but hey, everything floats down here.
  5. Get creative. You think egg on top of ramen is a creative lunch? 
    You won’t even be able to afford eggs in six weeks time, so get started on your new meal routines. Look for ways to cut down on your meal budget by figuring out how many cans of tuna you can eat before you go insane from mercury poisoning. 
    PROTIP: Start keeping track of your neighbours bin routines and see if they put out anything you can either eat, use or sell.
  6. Get involved in your local community. Find out about free events in your area, attend, then steal from people who attend. They already have a community. You don’t. You need it more than they do. You have no one and nothing. That is now your new mantra.
    If they catch you stealing, say it’s for a “Social Experiment” and it’s going up on YouTube. It’ll take a few days to edit. You can post a link on the Melbourne’s Evicted Dog Facebook Group by the end of the week.
  7. Lose touch with reality. Now that you are no longer connected to the hustling and bustling world around, begin to create your own reality with what you have in your apartment. 
    Your couch is now one of many islands. Your coffee table your port of call for trades and goods. Your 
    PROTIP: Use big pillows to build bridges. Use small pillows to dissuade small insects and rodents from ruining the local culture of the islands.
  8. Lose faith in humanity. Now that you have all the time in the world, soak up the world from the comfort of your bed. 
    Find out how ISIS started, how Band Aid damaged parts of Africa more than it helped, why people don’t want their kid’s vaccinated, how Happy Birthday was under copyright until a few months ago, how Tim Allen got popular and how you’ll never have a Christmas like you did in 1998.
    PROTIP: Stare into a mirror for 15 minutes a day, think of every book you could have read in the last year, then think of how you could have written that novel you always think about. Now think about how you don’t read as much as you did in primary school.
  9. Get really into a bad sitcom. Remember how good Joey, Life on a Stick, Perfect Strangers or According to Jim was? 
    Get ready to relive all those moments all over again as you watch hour after hour of television that Alzheimer patients are glad they forgot. 
    You may enjoy the comforting laughter and familiar situations because they remind you of your former work place. You slowly sink into every single episode to the point where you watch episodes you’ve slept through just in case you missed an upcoming callback.
    PROTIP: Get into Full House. They just released Fuller House on Netflix. It’s just as good as the original.
  10. Get a job. Get off your fucking ass and get a job, you bloody lay about. 
    You need to make money somehow. Your mother and I worked hard every day from the day you were born until the day you got out of our house. For the love of God, stop calling us at 10 am every morning, we are at work. We have jobs — you know the thing you don’t have.

CREDIT TO MY GUEST EDITOR: My parents for their help. This wasn’t the help I asked for, I meant you know, help for rent, but this is good too, I guess.