Powerful Women: an essay by James Cameron

I have recently come under fire for my comments about the film Wonder Woman, but I feel my views have been misunderstood. Let me make my stance clear: Wonder Woman is not a valid powerful woman because she has boobs. Oftentimes you can see the top of said boobs, making her a sexual being, rather than a powerful woman, and everyone knows females can’t be both.
As all professional male filmmakers recognise, powerful women must show as little skin as possible to remain a driving force in the narrative, something which Wonder Woman fails to do, as you are regularly privy to her thighs and other such lady parts.
So I am writing to inform all novice filmmakers about the most powerful woman ever to grace the screens: The Titanic. That’s right, sorry (not sorry) if this “triggers” anyone, but the doomed cruise liner I made a movie about 20 years ago is possibly the only correct example of a powerful woman in Hollywood, EVER.
The Titanic was a graceful presence on set. She was the best at her job, but she never showed off about it, sailing through those ice cold waters as if it was nothing, and all the while keeping her tantalising inner workings hidden beneath a thick steel casing. Those curvaceous pipes and sweltering coal engines would be enough to make any man tug at the collar of his turtleneck in embarrassed arousal, but The Titanic preferred to keep her actions at the centre of the narrative, rather than her appearance.
Kate Winslet, who played Russ in my movie, had great bazoingas, which I told her every day on set (and still do every fortnight or so via email), but sorry, “feminists,” she got them out for that show-boater Leonardo DiCaprio and made him paint them. Repeatedly I told her that “paint me like one of your French girls” meant Leo’s character should sketch her as a cartoon baguette-lady who wore a loose fitting shawl and a beret, but she never listened and instead insisted on releasing her sumptuous gazoongas for all the cast and crew to see. I was so ashamed and came incredibly close to cancelling the whole film, but I felt I owed a debt to The Titanic, as she had put so much hard work in.
Every day of filming I would go to The Titanic, caress her metallic outer layer, smear Vaseline on her hull, and whisper what a great job she was doing. And when it came to her big moment, the infamous sinking, she had every opportunity in the world to display her beautiful innards to the audience as she split in twain, but she told me to focus on Russ and Josh floating on the door instead. She didn’t want to be remembered as a whore, and rightly so, she had too much class for that. I have never had the luck of working with such a woman on any of my other projects, to my great disappointment.
I hope this article was enlightening for any directoresses out there wanting to make a film about a powerful woman. You do not have to stoop so low.
Look out for my next movie, Avatar 2: Avatar Goes to the North Atlantic Ocean, where I may or may not be bringing back a certain ship to show all these hussies what a real powerful woman looks like.
Twitter: @HarryBunting1
