Permission to come aboard.
The never ending story…
I had an epiphany recently and quite honestly it was a game changer. For quite some time I’d been feeling as if I was treading water…
actually it felt like mud.
A thick, sludge-like, bog, MUD. Think Atreyu after he loses Artax in the Swamp of Sadness. For those of you reading this that don’t understand what that is, didn’t grow up in the decade after the 70’s, and/or think the Never Ending Story is referring to your love life… it’s a classic example of 80’s filmography. I digress.
Is this worth it?
I was in a bog, going up a hill, with a bungee cord tied to my back. I knew where I wanted to go and what it would take me to get there but couldn’t understand why it was so difficult. I don’t mean difficult in the sense of hard work, like tough. I’m meaning difficult like unfulfilled. See normally for me I enjoy working, learning, and growing. For some reason this felt extremely different. Then I realized what it was was… enter epiphany.
I realized that while my plan of action was congruent with the goals I had, there was a disconnect between the execution of my actions and my heart. My heart simply wasn’t in it. But why? I had created the goals. I had planned the actions. What was missing? What I had failed to realize is that while I wanted the outcome… I hadn’t given myself the permission to have it. I hadn’t AUTHORIZED myself to achieve at the level it would take and yet I was holding myself to the standards of someone who had. Let me paint the picture a bit in case it’s hard to follow.
I had created a schedule that allowed for a certain amount of time to be spent on certain things: family, business, personal, etc… and I found myself sacrificing family for business or personal for family, whatever. I would consistently not follow my plan and I had valid excuses for this. I truly believed I should spend more time with my family at the sacrifice of
work time… yet I would not be present while I was with them and would get down on myself for not working. It was a complete paradox. I thought it was my time management deficiencies or I’d try blame it on Jackie for taking up time but really I had made the choice to spend my time that way.
Cake and eat it to…
See all of us may want, in theory, to be a billionaire, but have you really ever sat down and thought what it would take to get there? The hours, commitment, solitude, and discipline? So often we want it for what’s on center stage but, listen (or read rather) there is A LOT that goes on behind the curtain and either you have to give yourself permission to do those behind the scene things or you’ve got to quit holding yourself accountable for them. Otherwise you’ll be stuck in a vortex between your heart and your head. Talk to any successful, FULFILLED person, they will tell those two, above all, must align.
All too often I find myself falling in love with those things that others have. Those opportunities. Those successes. Yet I never realized that wasn’t what I really wanted. What I really wanted was the permission to go after those things. The freedom to dream and advance and believe. See a beautiful life isn’t the one lived with beautiful things. A beautiful life is the one you give yourself permission to have.