I cry . I cry a lot these days. I can cry a river and not stop anytime soon. At times I wail as if something bad, really bad has happened and other times I cry in silence without even a sniff, just tears rolling down my cheeks . I find myself in a mess , puffy , redden eyes, broken voice , shortness of breath and a blank, absolutely blank mind or should I say a pretty messed up mind like that of a mesh of wires which you can’t seperate and it’s irritating cause you don’t know which connections actually matter and which ones don’t and you don’t have even the slightest idea of what’s going on but you still keep on untangling it without success and eventually you give up ..you just give up and you cut the whole bunch and everything blacks out .
The worst thing is I don't know why I cry . I can cry for hours and still won't figure out why I've been crying. This is where my problem lies .
It need not be a bad day or a bad incident to occur for me to cry . I might be happy and smiling ( am not so sure about happy cause I don’t really know when am actually happy and when am just pretending to be) but the point is even when my day goes pretty well or normal and nothing that could possibly upset me took place, even then I find myself crying for no reason. I would be just lying down or doing some stuff and suddenly I find myself in another zone and I feel a sudden pang of pain or guilt or worthlessness which is trigger enough for me to breakdown. And once I give in, there’s no end to it at least none that I could see . It ends only one way .i.e., I surrender to sleep .
How do I explain this ? , Its tough for someone to understand who has not been through this . They often point out some shallow reasons to this but I know , I know this is not that . This is something which even I myself can’t figure out . I feel this void inside of me and a cloud of gloominess just surpasses . Its something I can’t control no matter how hard I try . As a matter of fact the harder I try the more I find myself sunk into this darkness.
I have often tried jotting down reasons as to why I might be vulnerable.
For once I thought maybe it was stress or maybe I was homesick, maybe I missed my parents & friends or maybe the current environment or surrounding didn’t suit me . But let me tell you that none of those reasons sufficed my question . Of course there were times when I thought I had finally come to a conclusion and I had found the root cause of my problem and with some more efforts I would be able to find a solution and finally put an end to this. But whenever I was this close to solving it just then I was proven wrong and found myself in the same place from where I started.
It is as if this thing, this dark gloomy thing mocks me and appears at the most unexpected times and leaves me in self doubt all over again .
I might not be able to find a solution but I might have found a loop hole or distraction to this. Now whenever I start having these "crying sessions" I start writing, anything, everything, whatever I’m feeling, I write down everything and gradually those pangs of emptiness fade away. Though I know they would come back again and I would be sunk in gloom again but for the time being I would be fine and content and not crying !
It feels like the dark clouds have parted and the Sun just shone again.
