He Doesnt Love Me Anymore…. And Thats Okay.

I realized it today. We were driving home from the cemetary and mom gave us a half hour to get home. Now let me explain here. Give us a half hour on a normal monday night and we’ll hand you back a full night of frisky. Not tonight. He couldnt even look at me. But I couldnt stand to look him in the eye either. I loved him. And all I wanted to do was scream. I wanted to tell him. Beg him. I wanted to make him see. I wanted to cry.

But I didnt. Of course I didnt. He might see how much I really need him. How much he actually means to me and then he’d run for sure.

I mean its not like I dont have options. I could have my pick of the litter and he knows that. I think hes scared too. Maybe as scared as I am. But I dont think he loves me anymore.

He wants to love me. He wants to be the hero and fix my heart and gallop off giddy into the sunset. He wants the white picket fence house with two kids and to marry the pretty girl from high school. Hes ready for his happily ever after but what he doesnt see is thats not me.

Im not the girl you take to meet your parents and Im certainly not the one you aspire to marry and have kids with. I cant cook, clean, wash, take care of kids, or work a job, and I dont want to settle down.

I dont want to be that girl. The one who marrys her highschool lover and never truly sees the world.

Since I was nine years old and the dark started having an effect on me the way it did thats all Ive ever wanted to do. I want to get out there and I want to expirience the world. I want to live and Im sick of just breathing. Im not ready to be shackled into a house and life for someone else yet again. I want to fly. I finally have full control of my wings and I dont know that I am as willing as I once believed to give that up.

I just dont think he loves me anymore… but then again I think thats okay.