In relationship, 1+ 1= 3. We see a good relationship this way: the space between a couple is its own entity. We like to refer to this expanded energy as a baby—the more love and care you give it, the more it grows, thrives, and evolves.

We identify four kinds of relationships, according to how well they are cared for and the levels of connectedness.

In the first kind of relationship there is a bare minimum of loving. One or both partners may have a foot out the door. They may be staying together only for practical reasons, such as money or children or fear of being alone. There may be considerable indifference, hostility, blame, loneliness, and little satisfaction. Walls have built up. There is not a lot of safety and trust or a sense that you are important to your partner. For this relationship to begin to evolve, the partners would need to learn tools to lower their reactivity such as those presented in the fifth heart tool, Commitment to Lower Reactivity. They’d need to make agreements to be kinder to each other, show more appreciation, and begin to take an interest in each other.

In the second kind of relationship, the couple pays enough attention to the partnership to take care of practical household matters and parenting, but they live like roommates, with separate lives emotionally. In this kind of relationship, each partner focuses on self: “What am I getting from the relationship?” There may be tension that comes out in excessive sarcasm and complaining but it doesn’t get expressed constructively to bring about positive change. In this kind of relationship, partners keep the status quo and may not want to rock the boat.

When things go well, they get along, especially in public. But under stress, the partners revert to old, reactive coping patterns. There can be underground contempt and resentment, and partners may turn to people outside the relationship as sounding boards. Because conflict is often swept under the rug, fights can flare up suddenly. But because the couple doesn’t have the tools to help them understand themselves and each other, they are unable to resolve their conflicts. For this couple to evolve, they would need to lower reactivity, become aware of their own and each other’s feelings and needs. Many of the heart tools we’ve presented here can help this couple cultivate more connectedness and trust with each other. To name a few: PAL (Presence, Appreciation, and Listening), and Making Room for Differences.

In the third kind of relationship, you consider yourself good friends, are generally compatible, enjoy your family, and experience overall satisfaction. You are able to talk through and resolve most disagreements, work as a team when you need to, and enjoy some intimacy. But because the focus is not on personal and relationship growth, these relationships can become stagnant. You may begin to take each other for granted and then feel “something is missing.” For this couple to evolve their level of intimacy, they need to make their relationship a priority, integrate into their daily lives the heart tools we have presented, have more fun together, and listen deeply to each other’s emotional needs.

In the fourth kind of relationship, partners focus on growing as individuals and as a couple, in addition to enjoying friendship and passion. There is genuine partnership. You consciously see your partner as your teacher, helping you to learn through conflict, grow as a couple, and flourish as an individual. This is a rich and exciting form of intimacy. Your relationship is a priority. There is both a deep feeling of security and a feeling of unconditional love. You feel safe to be vulnerable. You have your partner’s back and he/she has yours, and you strive to be loving toward your partner regardless of the challenges you face, both as individuals and as partners. You have made a mutual commitment to keep growing your capacity to love. This relationship also needs to be cared for on a regular basis. You deeply care about your partner’s emotional well-being, and ask about it. Partners need to stay attuned to themselves and each other, through communication and time together.

It is also important to understand that the four kinds of relationships we’ve identified here are fluid. A bad argument can bring us to our knees, and make us feel like we are in the first level of relationship. Harsh words can easily break our partner’s heart, and cause deep pain. We are all going to slip. But the more we develop our capacities to love ourselves and each other, we can use these capacities to take responsibility for the harm we cause, offer amends, and move forward.

Any step you take to be more loving is a big step: Deciding not to be critical; no longer threatening to leave; not raising your voice; voicing your needs directly, instead of complaining and blaming; giving up the need to be right; expressing your truth even though you anticipate this might upset your partner; risking vulnerability by sharing fears and insecurities. No matter where you are, appreciate that you can step on to a path of change and growth whenever you decide to.

Making any changes to improve your relationship is an act of love and compassion. Wherever you are in your relationship, it is possible to evolve to another, more rewarding level. This chapter offers you inspiration and guidance to grow your relationship. The most effective way to do this is by turning inward and asking yourself: “What can I do to love more?”

Loving is about stretching beyond ourselves to give to another human being. It’s not only about giving what you want to give but about giving what makes another person feel loved. This requires awareness and making the effort to move into a place where you want to give for the purpose of loving your partner. It is indeed living bigger than your own personality, ego, and fears.

Opening your heart is like climbing a mountain. It requires focus, commitment, determination, endurance, and persistence. There are no shortcuts to loving. Because it is so easy to fall in love, it seems it would be an equally simple matter to stay in love. But we all know that if you don’t give attention and nutrients to a living thing, it will eventually die. Relationships are living entities—both your relationship with your partner and your relationship with yourself. They must be nourished to survive and grow.

Practices to Open Your Heart and Keep Your Partnership Vital

Notice your partner’s beauty. Imagine picking up an oyster shell off the beach, opening it up, and finding a shining, translucent pearl inside. When we first met our partner we naturally were able to see the beauty within. We looked beyond the flaws and faults and saw their beauty.

The next time you’re with your partner, take the time to notice his or her beauty. We do this when we look at a sunset and appreciate its magnificence. We do it when we look at the ocean and take in its roaring beauty. We do it when we look at the stars and see their diamond-like sparkle. We do it when we close our eyes and feel the wind caress our skin. These are ways we can touch the beauty of life. Try to see and sense your partner this way. It will transform your relationship. You will see your partner and your relationship as a precious jewel.

Gratitude. At the end of each day, make a list of all the things you are grateful for that day. We suggest making a list of at least five things you feel grateful for, such as your loved ones, your health, your home, your job, your sense of humor, life itself.

Left to its own devices, the mind tends to look for negative things to attach to. Gratitude is a wonderful way to reverse this process by tuning into and appreciating what you have. What is important is to be conscious of our gratitude. A wonderful practice is to fall asleep reflecting on the things we’re grateful for. It can change the whole chemistry of our minds and bodies, as well as activating the energy in our hearts. When you practice gratitude, you’re not denying the difficulties you may be experiencing. But reflecting on what you are grateful for allows you to take stock of these difficulties in a more objective way. We can get so bogged down in negative thoughts—regrets, anxieties, anger—that we are no longer present. Gratitude breaks through our anxiety and depression and brings us back into the moment.

Live with zest. Spend at least 10 to 15 minutes a day doing something that you are passionate about. This could be playing an instrument, singing, writing poetry, reading a book, taking a walk in the woods, biking, running, practicing yoga, meditation, talking to a friend, and listening or moving to music. When you are feeding your passions as an individual, you have more zest for life, and that zest will infuse your relationship. Do whatever creates excitement and passion for you. For us, right now, writing this book is opening our hearts because we are passionate about helping people create healthy, loving relationships.

Write it down. Try journaling for a few minutes each day. Journaling is a way to become more aware of our thoughts and feelings, and at the same time letting them go by putting them on paper. Many books about the journaling process are available. A favorite of Ani’s is The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. Journaling can support us in many different ways. Some people use it to clarify thoughts and feelings, while others journal to come up with new ideas. Still others use it as a daily practice to dive deeper into their consciousness. It’s a tool that can open your heart.

Drop into stillness. A formal practice of meditation for 15 to 20 minutes a day can also open your heart. Meditation teaches us to witness our thoughts, feelings, and sensations and to become less attached to and identified with these parts of ourselves. As we drop into stillness and silence, we become aware of the moment. In this silent, nurturing space, we can hear our inner voice, touch our true nature, and be more connected to ourselves and all of life. In silence we don’t have to focus on doing; we can focus on being.

Generosity. Another way to open your heart is to give to another living being. Giving is a direct act of love. The recipient can be a person, but it doesn’t have to be. It could also be your pet, your houseplants, the perennials in your garden, or the birds in your back yard. The important thing is to open up and extend your nurturing heart energy to a living being. Opening your heart and giving is like putting a plug into a wall socket and turning on a switch—instantaneously, the energy flows. When we give to another being, we get back the energy of love many times in return. It doesn’t matter who or what we love. It matters that we love.

Some people spend their whole lives waiting for the “perfect soulmate” to love. In the meantime, they miss out on giving love to themselves and to those who are already in their lives. The world is cheated when we don’t give to others. Don’t wait. By putting out loving energy, we are creating a more loving world to live in. The world needs each of our loving hearts.

No matter how you are feeling, no matter what is going on in your life, no matter how much physical or emotional pain you are experiencing, you can give to another being. Nancy, a successful, thirty-six-year-old businesswoman, came from a family riddled with drug addiction and alcoholism. She had never had a long-term intimate relationship and had pretty much decided to give up looking for a partner. Instead, she adopted a black, Labrador puppy. She got up early to take her pup on long walks in the park, and talked to her puppy and enjoyed him tremendously. It was by loving this puppy unconditionally that she started to open her heart to the possibilities of being in an intimate relationship with a man. A year later she met a man on a business trip, and two years later they married. She attributed her openness to a relationship to her experience with her beloved dog. She and her husband went on to have two children together.

Never underestimate the power that the act of giving has to open the energy field inside of you. The problem never lies in the obstacles in life. The problem is believing that the obstacles stop us from loving and living. Basketball coach John Wooden, who won more consecutive games on the college level than any other coach, says the most important thing in life is love. He never talked to his players about winning games. He always talked about not getting caught in the ups and downs of the game. His bottom-line message: Do the best that you can, stay in the game of life and love.

How many times have we not been in the mood to be kind, and yet we’re in a situation where someone is kind to us, and that opens our heart?

Stretch to stay connected. Make the intention to stay connected even when your partner is angry, upset, or disappointed with you. When we feel blamed, it is very easy to become defensive and close our heart. This is when we need to return to our intention to grow our ability to love.

The most powerful and loving way to respond to someone who is upset is to listen to the hurt part of them, while staying connected to yourself. Allow yourself to simply be with them and try to understand their feelings from their perspective. We don’t have to agree with them. We simply need to show up with as much presence and compassion as we can muster.

Tara and Jason had been trying to get pregnant with a second child. After a full year of trying, they finally succeeded. Then, three months into the pregnancy, Tara had a miscarriage. She was heartbroken and despondent, fearing that she’d never have the second child she longed for. Although Jason had agreed to have a second child, he was secretly relieved by the miscarriage. His business had sustained recent losses, and he was deeply anxious about being able to afford a second child.

Tara was devastated and, understandably, needed tremendous comfort. But Jason couldn’t support her wholeheartedly. Because he wasn’t feeling the same level of grief, he began to withdraw from his wife. She, in turn, was angry and hurt by his unemotional reaction. “How can you walk away from me at a time like this?” she cried. “You don’t care about me!”

What ultimately helped Jason was understanding that he didn’t have to have the same level of grief as his wife to be fully openhearted to her in her pain. In a pivotal session with them, we helped Jason put his practical and rational concerns aside for the moment, and simply attend to his wife’s anguish. He spontaneously put his arm around her, and she sobbed in his arms. Both felt closer to each other.

When we keep our hearts open we can transform hurt into love. When we stretch to put ourselves in the other person’s place we can feel a deep connection to the other person, as well as a connection to all suffering beings. We also feel more connected with ourselves. No matter how challenging the situation, we can remain open to love.

Loving in times of challenges such as illness and aging. Traditional marriage vows include the important reminder to love in times of sickness and health. This vow is not only about lovingly caring for the partner who is ill; it’s also about the sick person treating his/her partner with as much kindness as possible. The challenge for most couples is not when things are going well but when one partner or both partners are having a difficult time. The challenge is to not bring your partner down to your level of discomfort and pain. This requires self-discipline and maturity. These challenges can offer times of intimacy deeper than we ever thought possible.

Joanne married Frank when she was forty and he was sixty. They fell head over heels in love. Their age difference was insignificant when they met. Frank was handsome, vigorous, and athletic. Both were runners and ran competitively. They also loved the outdoors, and their vacations took them to Europe on adventurous long bike trips. In his late seventies, Frank suffered a stroke, which limited his mobility. He could walk but no longer hike or bike. At this point, Joanne in her late fifties, was still running the Boston Marathon so they were now in very different places. It was an enormous adjustment for this couple to face the many ways Frank’s stroke affected their relationship, especially their leisure time activities. Initially, they were stoic, and were afraid that talking about the changes would upset the other. But this created painful distance. Eventually, Joanne with the encouragement of a therapist, was able to talk with Frank about the loss of their active life together. It was a relief to both of them to finally talk openly about the pain they had each been holding alone. She was able to talk about her pain at no longer being able to share running with him and he was able to talk about his pain about his physical limitations. They made a recommitment to find new ways to enjoy time together. By talking about it, they moved from denial to acceptance of their present situation. The talks they had over several months, freed up energy for them to plan a new kind of vacation. Their most recent vacation was a cruise to the Mediterranean and North Africa. Joanne had ample time to workout in the gym on the boat and together they enjoyed the off-shore outings as well as the company of interesting people from around the world who shared the cruise with them.

One of the first questions that couples tend to ask us in their therapy sessions is, “Why do relationships have to be so hard?”

The answer: To create anything of high quality, you need to put in a lot of work.

Although relationships absolutely require effort, it actually takes even more energy to avoid working on your relationship. Avoidance is extremely stressful and draining.

Our intention for writing this essay is to help you to have the best relationship you can have. We hope we have helped you on your way. We invite you to try out some of the practices we’ve presented here. When used regularly, we’ve seen them produce tremendous results. We recommend that you choose any of the heart tools and practices and use them each day for ninety days. We promise that you’ll see a major change in your attitude and your behavior towards those you love. The more steps you take to live consciously and open your heart, the more you will experience the preciousness of life itself.