Honestly, I’m a little embarrassed by what I wrote. If you can believe it, I’m actually not a big fan of public attention. I had no idea how big Kel’s audience was when I replied. Still, that was baby step #1 in learning to write very openly about my experiences.
Some days I still feel like that. Same day, same worries, same shit, same failures, same lack, same difficulties, same me until I die. That could be a long fucking time, heh.
I’ve come a long way from that piece of writing, though. Some things I’ve just learned to relax about because they’re not fixable. Somethings I’ve worked to minimize. The biggest thing, though, is women. :D One who hurt me badly (as documented in the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever written here — the second big step towards feeling alright with writing on a very personal level), which I came out of feeling broken and shit-on, but alive. One who wouldn’t be discouraged by my surliness during one of my major low points and is now my much-loved darling. One who shared her heart with me so I wouldn’t feel so alone, and in whom I discovered a soulmate of sorts. One who became a combination of dear friend, big sister, and collaborator.
Each of them absolutely priceless.
People say don’t depend on others to make you feel good, and sure, yeah, it’s good advice, but it’s usually coming from someone who’s either not slogging through the crap I’m dealing with or they are, and they’re trying their best to believe it.
The fact is, people who care about you make you feel better (unless you’re a sociopath or something). People can say all the platitudes in the world, but the undeniable fact is, someone showing they care about you and that you are important makes a marked difference.
A lot of people don’t need it, don’t want it, and make themselves happy and important feeling. I say good for them, but, while they don’t need to worry about the lows when life shitballs them over and over again, they’ll also never truly know what it feels like to really be embraced by someone else.
It’s like seasons. Sure it would be nice to live in a place where the climate doesn’t vary much throughout the year (no, I’m not talking about Antarctica). It’s convenient, comfortable, and predictable. Me, though… I want the bitter cold winters and the sweltering summers (as long as I have AC, otherwise, fuck that!).
I’m learning to embrace a lot of the things that made life miserable before, and to work on, with some perspective, the rest.
It’s a process. :)
For the record, I do take Adderall regularly now. It’s not a huge difference, but it’s enough to help some.
