Okay, so official response.
In kind, my dear Myks, I’m not replying in any refutation of what you’ve said here, as I actually agree with it.
I’ve been somewhat maligned in my relationships by assumptions, one GIANT one was addressed in the companion poem to this.
It is often assumed that I cannot love in the way I describe and express without it being the kind of smothers or that it means I’m the type of person who needs to be with the object of that love 60/60/24/7
It’s not the case. I’ve had broken relationships because of assumptions that I was too ignorant to properly address (which is one reason on your poem I mentioned my mangling what I wanted to express).
I love with my whole heart, I just do. Most people (or at least the ones I end up with) don’t. I don’t know any other way. I’m like that in most things. If I am going to do something I do it all the way. It’s not a burn out kind of situation with me, though. It’s my state of existence :) I don’t run out or burn up.
However, while I do love with my whole heart, I have absolutely no desire to spend every waking moment with someone. I would hate that and I would begin to resent a partner who expected or demanded that. I create, whether it be writing, painting, building, music, or multimedia projects. I need space to deconstruct and fall into a roiling mass of chaos. In short, I need to be left the hell alone for significant amounts of time.
On the flipside, when I am spending time with my significant other, they get all of me. The get the madly-in-love me, the full-attention me, the always-on-your-side me, the I-would-do-anything-for-you me, the you-are-the-most-important-person-in-the-world-to-me me, the I-love-you-like-the-rain me.
Can that involve a movie on the couch and some popcorn? Hell yes. A spontaneous trip to Paris just because we can? Hell yes. Laying in bed together on a Sunday morning just enjoying not needing to get up and be somewhere? Hell Yes. Camping? Yes. Ballroom dancing? Yes. Some event that bores the hell out of me, but it’s something she is interested in? Yes.
It doesn’t have to be a grand romantic gesture. It can just be some time together. That is romantic to me. I can damn sure do the grand romantic gestures like a boss, but sometimes romantic is putting my arms around her in the middle of the day when her hair is a mess and she’s in a t-shirt and pajama pants, kissing her neck, letting her know how beautiful she is, inside and out, in all her aspects. I listen and I pay attention. I’ll do some little thing of her (or to her :p ) 6 months after she mentioned it in passing. I pay attention to what she does and does not like.
Do I believe my love is superior to anyone else’s? Damn right I do. I can’t help it, I’m a guy who is utterly embarrassed and disappointed by the majority of other guys. I’m not afraid to love. I’m not a liar or cheater. Unfortunately “better” does not equal “preferred.” If you could see some of the douchebags I’ve lost out to, you’d cringe. Some people can’t accept that they deserve to be treated well and respected. I’ll stop there before I start ranting about that.
However, there is nothing wrong with love being practical. Lasting love cannot be based on the unrealistic all the time. It doesn’t work. Neither does practical love all the time. This is another area where I find people make assumptions and it’s really appalling to me how many people don’t get this:
LOVE IS NOT REALISTIC. (that emphasis is not me yelling at you, Tamyka).
The entire concept is ludicrous, so why do people get their goddamn heads in such a whirl about that?
Love without any concern for the realistic, but be practical in the management of a relationship.
My love is not realistic, it’s bigger and better than that. Love should always be bigger and better than that. Nothing magical ever happened by being realistic.
I’m also one of the most practical guys you’d ever want to be in a relationship with. Unfortunately too many people see the first and make assumptions about the second without bothering to find out.
Some people pass up the best thing that could ever happen to them because they can’t reconcile that you can have (and kind of need) both.
Okay, here’s where the record scratches… that reference too old? okay, brakes slam on, tires screech to a halt.
That stuff up there? It’s valid, at least in my opinion. To be brutally honest, though, I packed all that shit up recently. I still say what I’ve said about love and being practical is the way to go, but I’m kind of done.
That stuff about loving with all my heart, strictly for non-romantic purposes.
There are ways I feel right now that are worse than I’ve ever felt. It’s like repeatedly re-injuring an old injury until finally you just fuck it up beyond fixing.
I’m still interested in spending time with women in a romantic capacity, but if I go out with someone I think I could actually develop serious feelings for, that’s the last date. If I’m around someone who gives me that longing feeling, I make sure I’m not around them anymore than I absolutely have to be.
I have shit going on in my head and heart I wouldn’t wish on Hitler, and I’ll be damned if, once I get it out of me, I’m going to invite it back in.
So I talk about romantic love, and for all my fuck ups, I do know something about it, but it’s not something I have any interest in for myself anymore.
