Well, see I’ve had scones and American biscuits are still kind of their own unique creature.

Keep in mind that the further you get to the North and West in the US the more the people are inclined to know fuck-all about food :p. In California they are either eating, in an ironic fashion, something decent and cooked by a transplant, or relying on the fact that you can throw nearly any fruits and vegetables together and expect passable results. By the time you get near Canada, people are basically eating just a step above British food without the novelty of curry. So yeah, there s a large population in the US who couldn't tell a good biscuit for a dog biscuit.

I grew up in the birthplace of the American biscuit, so I guess if there were one upside to growing up in a shit-hole, it was that the biscuits were brilliant. Biscuits are very soft, almost like cake, which also varies from place to place, I guess. The can be crusty on the outside but it’s a very fragile crusty.

Probably the only real way to experience a proper American biscuit is to find a recipe, from Martha White flour, or something like that, and try it out. Our McDonalds here actually have a barely passable, but close, example on the breakfast menu. No idea if the ones over there have them.

Okay, so, damn, I’m pontificating about biscuits. Okay, how are they eaten here?

Well, my favorite way is with corned-beef gravy (not the normal Irish corned beef, but the crumbly stuff imported from South America with the weird metal key thing to open it… I’m thinking that since we were quite poor, my mother said “$.50 for a can? We’ll try this stuff” an a legend was born). I have long ago learned that this is an oddity to my family. Suffice it say if you tasted that your eyes would roll back in your head as the Buddha butterfly kissed you and cherubs massaged your feet. Shit is ridiculous.

However, minus the corned beef, it’s basically a roux gravy. Bear with me, I like to cook ;) So, you take a skillet, heat about 2mm of oil in it on high until it’s nearly smoking. Have on hand before this(because it gets tense) loose flour and some kind of savory broth. Chicken broth works best, but veggie broth or something like Goya Ham concentrate (vegan) would work as well. Have plenty of water immediately available.

Once that oil is hot, start forking flour into it until all stirred together it forms a wet/crumbly substance that will start to brown very quickly, so you have to stir and scrape like a madman to not burn it. Don’t put so much flour in that it gets dry-crumbly, but you don’t want a wet mess either.

Once it’s got a nice browned color, dump about 8 ounces of broth into it. Yes, this will release a spectacular plume of face melting steam, so be careful. Stir it vigorously until it thickens, which is pretty quick, then add more broth and water in increments, stirring until it thickens, until it’s a but more liquidy that you think you would like. reduce heat to Low, add a couple good dashes of black pepper and then salt to taste.

Do this right and you will haunt people’s dreams. It is so good. It’s actually fantastic with shredded white chicken meat cooked into it as well.

It is also vastly superior to traditional “brown gravy” on things like mashed potatoes and has brought many a Canadian to unmanly tears when used in a poutine.

This is the perfect topping/dip/whatever for the American biscuit… not that weird white gravy shit. Gag.

Other great companions include just butter; cheese (cheddar is great here); butter and jam/jelly/preserves/marmalade; or… and this is one of those ridiculous-unhealthy-but-you-must-try-it-once things… on a saucer or shallow bowl place a few pats of cool butter (straight from the fridge works, you don’t want it too melty) and then pour maple syrup over it, use a fork to mash it all together until a slop is formed, the either dip the biscuit in it as you eat it (messy as the biscuit tends to crumble) or, my preference, split the biscuit and pour that death sauce over it, eat with a fork :)