Why I Left University: shedding the leaves of denial & anxiety
Part II: The appeal, more anxiety and trusting myself with a major decision
The Appeal…
The next few weeks of my life were a huge challenge, an internal constant battle of fear and the will to find confidence initiated. I have, within me, 3 main individual personas: Penny, my business lady- a confident, bold brunette with a mind of her own and will to succeed. There is Rebel, an emotional, spontaneous, messy-haired wild child whom seeks the first escape route to a simple life in the natural world. Then there is Heather- my inner child and core self. Heather is naturally an introvert, shy and content. Only with the assistance of Penny and the emotional drive of Rebel, is she able to push her boundaries.
Over these past few weeks, Rebel had ridden away into the wild on the back of a stallion and Penny had driven off in her new Cadillac like the Lady Penelope Pit-stop she is, leaving Heather behind- a small anxious child, without a clue how she was going to get through this….
So I relied on Dean, my family, my friends and a lovely lady from the Student’s Union to help me write up an appeal and get it all presented and submitted to the strict instruction of the Student Disciplinary Board! I got it all written up, checked out and submitted, including valuable evidence.
Listening to myself…
“As a very future orientated person with a coaching nature which has been embraced all Summer, I needed to find a solution to this rut.”
I guess with all that was going on, Rebel and Penny doing a runner and my work being very understanding by cutting down my hours and giving me a less responsible role, I was able to clear my head and finally listen to Heather and ask her how she was getting on…
I had made attempts to get back into my lectures, however, I simply wasn’t able to function, knowing there was a huge possibility that I may have to, at some point, resit another paper. I guess this is where Penny stuck around- she has no intention of wasting time and was very proud of her ability to motivate Heather into achieving that grade in the first place, therefore was not willing to waste time doing it all again. It was good enough for a high first on the initial submission, there is NO POINT to doing it again. This is what I love about Penny- her pride and I just wish I could allow her to be fully fledged externally. This is the challenge with introverts, finding a way to externalize things.
“I needed to take back my control.”
So there was that battle. Another thing I could not stop thinking about was, what would be happening if I wasn’t at uni? As a very future orientated person with a coaching nature which has been embraced all Summer, I needed to find a solution to this rut. The thought of getting a full time job to support the rent and drop out of uni had been in the back of my mind for a long time now. I knew I didn’t want to be a therapist anyway, so why was I completing this degree?
Listening to nature…
“I do believe that in times of great difficulty, the universe will guide us- you just have to find a way to listen.”
It was on my final attempt to attend a lecture when I put this anxiety to rest once and for all. I was tired of being nervous all the time and randomly bursting into tears because I didn’t know where I was going in life. I’d had enough of not wanting to leave my home alone in fear of being consumed by my thoughts and panicking in crowded trams. I needed to take back my control.
“…as the train doors closed in front of me, I physically felt an overwhelming wall of negativity push me back onto my heels.”
I was catching the tram with Dean to the train station to go to university, as he was heading downtown. I remember being in a constant state of anxiety that morning, holding back tears and feeling a lump in my throat. I clung to Dean’s arm on the tram, like a child reluctant to part from it’s parent on the first day of school.
I knew I was running late. I started to run to the platform and then, as the train doors closed in front of me, I physically felt an overwhelming wall of negativity push me back onto my heels. Without thinking, I turned on them immediately and walked away from the platform edge, not even watching the train move away, out of my life.
It was like I was a cornered animal, making a break for it. It was like an unconscious presence had taken over my body and instructed me at gun-point to “move away from the train-do not look back!”
After finding Dean, as an emotional wreck and telling him that I could not go back to university, I decided to walk home. I finally had space to listen to myself and quietly reconsider if this was the right choice or not. It was a dull, drizzly Autumn day, but the multi-colored leaves glowed beneath my feet as I look down in admiration. All I could see was leaf… leaf… leaf..leaf. Leave.
If I was doubting the decision by myself, I knew that nature would some how show me the answer. I do believe that in times of great difficulty, the universe will guide us- you just have to find a way to listen. I guess to me, nature is my religion and what I turn to for signs of hope and emotional support. Every time I have turned to nature, she has never failed me. I decided to leave university and I have never looked back from that day. I was like a new, fresh horse chestnut breaking free from her shell, searching for ground in which she would grow her potential into a stunning tree.
Follow the link below for the final chapter and lessons learned from this experience…
Next Part III: Moving on and taking forward, what tried to drag me back
Previous Part I: Guilty of BEING plagiarized!
