Not too long ago I was out with some old work colleagues and I met a (let’s just say much younger) man. We ended up talking for about 15 minutes and he asked me for my phone number.

I willingly gave it to him because I found him rather attractive. He was tall, interesting, in great shape and was a fire fighter; what woman doesn’t like a man whose job requires him to save lives.

He called me a few days later and asked me to go out the following week. We met at a local restaurant in town and had a really nice dinner. It seemed to me like we were having a great time. He was engaged in the conversation, was sharing quite a bit about himself and was asking me several questions as well.

We finished dinner and he wanted to hang out longer so we got another glass of wine. Around midnight he gave me a ride home on his motorcycle, (more bonus points), and very politely kissed me on the cheek.

I never heard from him again.

Almost every woman I know has experienced this once or twice in her life and she’s always baffled by why the guy never called again. He acted like he had a good time and appeared to be having fun, even prolonged the date, only to never call again.

It just doesn’t make sense to us.

In Gerstman, Pizzo and Seldes’ book, What Men Want, they discuss why men don’t call after the first date. They explain that a man and woman can be on the same date but can be having completely different experiences.

The woman interprets the date as going very well but the guy is either tired of hearing about her ex-boyfriends or he’s convinced himself she’s not interested, or he no longer feels the sexual spark that he thought was there when they met.

In chapter 6 of their book, they explain that if a woman suggests ending the date early for any reason or appears too quiet, then men tend to assume that she’s not interested and they decide at that moment not to call her again.

They believe that many women send the wrong signals and if a woman is interested in seeing the guy again, she needs to say those words specifically. They discuss how woman give signals that are too vague and men will almost always tend to err on the side of caution and assume she’s not interested.

So I asked the question:

“Why Do You Go on a Date With a Woman and Never Call Her Again?”

“Sometimes men are just so terrified of rejection that they never call again for fear that they read the woman the wrong way and thought she actually liked him, when she really didn’t.”- A 29-year-old single schoolteacher from Nevada.

“Some men don’t know how to tell a woman that he only wants to be friends so he just doesn’t call her again. He’s afraid that if he’s honest with her then it will create confrontation and most men are afraid of confrontation. If he’s not interested at all, he usually remains mostly silent on the date and hopes she’ll get the message that he has no interest at all.” –A 39-year-old Investment Banker from South Florida.

“If a woman doesn’t want to come back to my house after the first date, even if we aren’t going to have sex, then I assume she doesn’t trust me and isn’t really that into me. I relate trust with liking someone, so if she seems to trust me then I think she likes me, if she doesn’t then I move on.”- A 38-year-old married Teacher and Author from Japan.

Some men told me there are times when they go on a date with a woman and don’t feel a spark but they find themselves enjoying her company and having a great time although they know it’s not going any further than the first date.

I would say to those men, spare us the frustration of trying to figure out why you didn’t call again and just end the date early so we know what we’re dealing with. Don’t flirt with us, don’t touch us lightly on the back or arm and don’t act overly interested.

A 34-year-old single contractor from South Florida shared: “Sometimes it’s just her natural smell, not her perfume, that turns you off. I once went on a date with a girl who was beautiful and sweet but her smell turned me off so much that I knew I’d never be able to get over it, so I just didn’t call her again. It’s too bad because we had a great time.”

“There are deal breakers and every guy has them. If she tells me she doesn’t want to have children, hates her family or talks about all her ex-boyfriends, those are deal breakers for me. She could be stunning but if she mentions one of the deal breakers then I usually don’t call her again, what’s the point, she isn’t right for me so why go out with her again?” –A 45-year old business executive from Philadelphia, PA.

Matthew Hussey, a dating coach from the UK, shares another perspective on why men don’t call women after the first date. He states in his book, Get The Guy, that the reasons men aren’t calling back are not the reasons women think. Women should not assume the following about men: That men are usually intimidated by her, that he doesn’t want a commitment, or that she’s not pretty enough for him.

According to Matthew Hussey, the real reason men aren’t calling back is because there was either a lack of sexual chemistry, she seemed boring or one dimensional, she was too serious and not playful or fun, or she seemed needy and desperate.

He states that women shouldn’t over share on the first date that they want to get married and have children as soon as possible. Even though over time that may happen, a man usually wants to feel like he was chosen for a unique reason. He doesn’t want to immediately feel like he’s the target of a woman nailing down any eligible bachelor so she can complete her agenda by checking marriage off her list as soon as possible. Men have an innate sense of spotting women who are looking for any random guy to fulfill this need.

Men, like women, want to feel that there was something special about them that made the woman want to be with him.

And finally, he adds that first dates should be fun and never a place to vent about how you hate your job, family, life etc. He suggests leaving your problems and challenges at the door and focus on having fun.

Clearly there are many reasons why men don’t call women after the first date and they can vary from guy to guy. What I would say though, is if you know early on that you don’t want to go on another date with a woman, then politely end the one you’re on as soon as possible. Don’t talk about seeing her again and whatever you do, don’t tell her that you’ll call her when you have absolutely no intention of doing so.

Send me an email with your thoughts and any questions you’d like me to ask in my upcoming columns.

To read more of my columns, click here: http://www.bocaratontribune.com/bocaratonnews/author/heidi/

Men: If you’re interested in being interviewed, please email me at heididoheny@yahoo.com

-Heidi

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/heididoheny

Twitter: @onehundred_men

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