Are you really listening?
How many people do you know who really listen when you speak to them? And how does it feel to not be heard?
Do you think there’s a chance — even just a small — one that you too might be guilty of not listening? Most of us think we know how to listen; but how much do we really hear?
Listening is a skill that can to be developed. Actively listening to others is hard work because it is necessary to tune into the other person and tune out everything and everyone else. In this article I’d like to share some tips to help you become a better listener.
Firstly it’s useful to understand that there are three different types of listening mode:
· Competitive or combative listening
· Passive and attentive listening
· Active or reflective listening
Competitive or Combative Listening: Here we pretend to pay attention whilst we are actually thinking about our next question — or listening for an opening, so that we can take over the conversation.
Passive & Attentive Listening: Here we might be interested in what others are saying, but without verifying that we have understood we open ourselves up to misunderstandings and assumptions. There is a great deal of difference between merely hearing the words and actually listening for the message.
The 3rd and most effective listening mode is called Active (or Reflective) listening: If we are going to actively listen to someone, then we need to get fully involved in the process. Here’s how you can develop this mode of listening:
We need to use open questions to elicit a fuller response. For example, instead of saying:
“So that’s how you met?” we ask, “How did you feel when he started talking to you?”
That way, instead of closing the conversation down into a yes or no response, we open it out and encourage the other person to keep talking.
Stay focused: It is vital that we prevent ourselves from being distracted by colleagues or external stimuli and concentrate on what the other person is saying.
Detect emotions: We need to listen to the emotion in the other person’s voice. Does it match or endorse the words they are using? If they are saying they’re fine whilst sobbing inconsolably, then they clearly aren’t fine. We need to use the received cues to direct the conversation.
Use empathy: We need to place ourselves in the other person’s shoes to understand things from their point of view. We don’t have to agree with them to grasp their perspective; we just need to appreciate their frame of reference to truly hear what they are saying.
If we are confused, we should say so. Most people will clarify their response.
“I’m not sure I fully understand, would you mind repeating that, please?”
React — We don’t have to be completely neutral. If whomever we’re talking with has had a challenging experience, some sympathy and understanding is vital:
“That must have been difficult. It sounds like you’ve had an awful time.”
Appropriate reactions ratify the emotions the other person might be feeling. We are letting them know that their feelings are valid and enabling them to feel safe in expressing their emotions.
It’s important to also be aware that much of our communication with others is non-verbal and if we ‘listen’ with our eyes, we can often pick up on messages others are displaying, often without realising it. This can work both ways: Imagine how it might feel talking to someone who is looking out of the window or displaying competitive body language by leaning back in their chair with their hands behind their head, ensuring they are seen as superior. Consistency is key.
To recap; we need to pay attention, not make assumptions, use open questions, be empathic and react to what others are telling us. Developing the ability to really listen can take time and feel like hard work, but it will pay dividends in the enrichment of our relationships with others.
After all… everyone loves a good listener.
Contact me at: helen@sentienceconsulting.co.uk
For more details see: www.sentienceconsulting.co.uk
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