This is probably going to be a hard article to digest. This is also probably going to be the most truthful I have ever been in a while also.
I’m not happy. But I’m not sad either. I’m just contempt at the moment. So many things are happening in my life, that I feel I can’t control, so therefore, I feel hopeless, useless, and depressed. The little things I am able to control, is mundane.
I always wonder what people think about me; about how I dress, how I act, how I talk, about my personality, about my work ethic etc. I wonder about everything! But I don't dare to ask, because that's rude and also puts a lot of pressure on you to come up with something to say. Plus, I'm not sure I exactly want to know what you have to say about me.
I wonder because I want to know do people hate me or do they find what I do attractive, or bad. I wonder a lot about my readers, the readers of this blog per say. I wonder do you like the material I am publishing, do you like what I have to say. Are you interested, are you not? Are you a regular reader, or do you just come back and stray upon articles you like. Do you know me, or do you not? What do you think about me?
In my head, I have this vision that everything is okay. And what I write is well-perceived. But I know that’s an exaggeration, and couldn’t possibly be farther from the truth. Some people hate me, some people don’t. Some couldn’t stand my guts.
I am sad therefore, because I have this desire to know. And right now, I don’t know. I want to know, but I also don’t want to know. Inner turmoil, is what it is.
I want to know how you guys feel about me, how you guys think about me. I want to know am I important, am I on your mind, or if I am not on your mind, why am I not on your mind? I want to know do I come up in your conversations, and if I don't, why am I not being spoken about? I want to know if you guys talk about me, and if you do, what are you saying. I want to know if you like me, or hate me, or just find me simply plain annoying. I want to know everything.
Then again, I don’t want to know. If you do hate me, I don’t want to know that. But if you don’t hate me, and you do love me, I want to know that. I don’t want to know because I’m scared to find out. It’s the unknown that is holding me back.
I am in this all out war against myself. I want to be a better person, but I don't know how. I want to be a gentlemen, but not to the point where I am suffocating others or being too clingy.
I want to be famous, and inspire others. I want to not have to worry about money, or materialistic things. I want to do this, and do that. I have so many dreams and aspirations.
I want to climb Mount Everest, to the top, and back. Then, I want to do it again, and again. Because one time is not enough.
I want all these things, and wonder about all these things.
What is wrong with me?
I think I'm sick...
Part of my disease stems from the fact that I live a somewhat boring life. I don’t stay out late, I don’t drink, or do drugs, and I don’t dare shame those that do. I never want to be a party-pooper, or be blamed for a bad time. I always want others to think highly of me. Sometimes I think I care way too much about other people, that could barely care anything about me.
I have lots of potential, and I know this. I can be anything I want to be. It’s sad, because others people don’t see this same potential. They judge me based on a fraction of a second that they encounter me. I don’t know what to do.
Why is it that no one can understand me?
Lots of questions, and no answers to suffice..