An open letter to the next fragile human I come to love
By Henk Holveck
I want to preface this by stating that, I don’t want this letter to be misinterpreted. When I use the word anxiety, I do not want that to be a label placed upon me, or become a word that you stamp on me. It is a medical condition that more likely than not I was born with, and then it was compounded ten fold when I lost my best friend and found myself staring down the barrel of a pistol.
On top of this, as you know I am always analyzing the world around me, I notice every detail, color, pattern, outfit, behavior, energy, the list goes on. When the tiniest behavior or attitude changes, my brain goes into a frenzy of questions, such as; Did I cause that? What else could it be that would make them act differently? Why don’t they want to be around me anymore? And probably 2,000 other questions. Tack on to the anxiety, and the analyzing of my world, the fact that I have some qualities commonly displayed in people with psychic abilities, an “empath”.
So when you assume I don’t know what you are up to, you are only about 24% right. Sure, I don’t know exactly, what you are doing. But, between my empathic feelings, and my over analyzation of every encounter I have. I can bet I’m probably in the fucking ballpark. Don’t take this article as an attack on your character, or whom you are. I understand that I am an anomaly through and through. Most people don’t think much about what others are doing because they are more concerned about their actions. They are concerned how others will perceive them. They are far less concerned about how their actions will, in turn, make their friend or lover feel.
The positive side of having me as a partner comes in during times of conflict in fact. I am almost always or try to be at least neutral when analyzing behaviors, and especially behavior changes over time. I can almost always discern if your positive or negative energy is in direct relation to me or not Or another example is being able to express your gender openly in the way you want to without fear that I would judge you. I tend to liberate those who feel as though they cannot be who they want to be or can’t do what they want to do. Many times this has come back to bite me in the ass, because I help them, and guide them to be who they desire. Like a mother bird teaching, it’s chicklet to fly, they leave me in an empty nest.
I want to close with this, you mentioned time and time again, how hard I am to break through or to get my walls to come down. Deep down, it’s because I am a “Ride or Die”. I will not get involved with someone whom I know is going to cause more of the negative parts of me such as anxiety, heightened emotion, etc. I want to meet the man I will ride into whatever crazy 3 am “wild hair” we have feeling secure, feeling understood, and ultimately feeling loved. Love to me is a sacrifice, doing things for someone else you don’t have to do but, you WANT to do because their happiness or their smile, is what creates a more positive world for you. In Conclusion, I understand not everyone is mature enough, or desires love under the definition and pretenses that I do, and that is entirely fair, as long as my emotions, my time and my energy are not taken for granted.
Love & Art, 1991