Muffin Wraps and Corporate Bureaucracy
In what must be a concerted effort to derail my attempts at productivity, my brain often decides that it should construct fully fledged narratives around pointless details of everyday life. This happened to me recently when I ordered a muffin from Tim Hortons and I noticed that the wrapping on their muffins had changed. Rather than the rational response, which would have been to think, “this doesn’t warrant additional thought,” my brain decided to venture down a rabbit hole and I began to wonder how a project like this gets off the ground in a large corporate environment like Tim Hortons. From what I understand about corporate bureaucracy, I can’t imagine it’s as simple as an executive sending down an order saying, “Yooo, this new muffin wrap is cheaper, let’s use this instead.”
For a company the size of Tim Hortons, I imagine that even the most granular (branular, if you will) of changes can’t be implemented without conducting due diligence; a cost-benefit analysis, an environmental impact study, a consumer survey, etc. I wonder if there was a dedicated employee whose entire job it was to oversee the ‘muffin wrap’ project. It doesn’t seem like that much of a stretch to think that there’s a person out there whose sole contribution to the national economy for six months was to go to work and talk about muffin wraps for eight hours a day. I can’t help but imagine a scenario where this person goes home after a stressful day of the final, testing phase of the muffin wrap project and picks a fight with his/her spouse:
Spouse: Hey, did you get the chance to go to the store and get that thing I needed?
Muffin-wrap Employee (MWE): I forgot.
Spouse: Oh, I kind of needed it tonight.
MWE: I forgot, okay?! I’ll get it tomorrow. Can you just get off my case?!
Spouse: Don’t take that tone with me. I know you’re stressed out at work, but how many times have I told you that you can’t bring that shit home with you.
MWE: YOU SAY YOU KNOW THAT I’M STRESSED OUT, BUT YOU DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE ANY IDEA. YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE KIND OF PRESSURE I’M UNDER. I HAVE A WHOLE TEAM OF PEOPLE COUNTING ON ME. THIS MUFFIN WRAP PILOT PROJECT HAS TO WORK!
[The sound of a crying baby enters the room]
Spouse: Oh, great. You’ve gone and woken the baby.
[10 minutes later, after the two spouses have attended to the child]
MWE: I’m sorry for getting so worked up earlier, babe. You know this muffin wrap thing has me all stressed out.
Spouse: Yeah, it’s fine. I’m just happy that this whole project is about to *wrap* up soon.
[The couple exchanges hearty laughter and inches ever-so closer to their inevitable death]