Love In a Time of Anger

I used to believe that love was strong enough to get a couple through anything.

Of course we know this is not true.

Relationships are usually difficult and gritty, involving tons of hard work. As much as love is a choice, like willpower, it is not inexhaustible. When two people who are from totally different backgrounds and have completely different needs and expectations come together, there’s a very big chance that there will be friction, and love will not be enough to act as a flame retardant.

Anger is a natural emotion. Sometimes I believe it comes to us (as human beings) even more naturally than love. You say something, your partner says something, words are misunderstood, feelings are hurt. All of a sudden, what was a peaceful and loving time has become a raging inferno of feelings and opinions and it’s rather difficult to remember that the person you’re arguing with is the same person that you proclaim love for.

But anger is a destructive emotion, capable of razing the hard work that goes into relationships right down to the ground. Reactions made in anger (whether explosive or passive-aggressive) can often leave both parties with feelings of bitterness and resentment that can corrode this love which is meant to be strong and incorruptible.

Some couples don’t deal with this well. In fact, I’m not sure what the stats are, but I’m fairly certain a large number of relationships end from supposedly “irreconcilable differences” which come as a result of the bitterness that anger brings.

So how do couples deal with anger. Many people have different coping mechanisms. Some choose to stay quiet in anger so as to ensure that they don’t say anything they don’t mean. Some people choose to put some space between them and their partner. I know a man whose coping mechanism is to play Scrabble with his partner (and the rest of his family) in order to diffuse his feelings and speak without hurting.

In observing these people, I’ve come to believe that the aim of these various coping mechanisms is to ensure that in anger they do not do anything to hurt their partners feelings. These people understand that even though they’re angry now, they won’t be angry forever but the effects of their words and actions will not go away as easily. The hand swinging the sword will tire quickly. But the wounds it leaves will take a while to heal, and even when they do, the scars they leave behind are often difficult to ignore and with their memory will come a ghost of the pain felt. So even in the grips of anger those who love will do their best to ensure that they bridle their tongues and look past their anger for the benefit of the love they share.

This is truly difficult. Especially for human beings who (in my opinion) are intrinsically selfish and are usually more concerned in fighting back and hurting that which has caused them some form of discomfort or pain (aka pissed them off).

But holding on to love never is. Difficult choices often liter the road of relationship and depending on love alone to be your shock absorber is a silly dependence.

In love, trials and tests will come your way. And in a time of anger, your three word declaration will be put to the test.