Everything Wrong with the ‘Dirty Dancing’ Remake

Like how it didn’t need to exist, at all.

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Thanks to a totally cool and fun stomach virus that’s graced my body for the past two days, I went to bed at 9 p.m. last night, blissfully unaware that something truly horrible was attacking television viewers across the globe: ABC’s remake of “Dirty Dancing.”

As if our precious screens haven’t been bombarded with enough bad news and horrible images of late, ABC decided to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the iconic summer-in-the-Catskills flick with a “reimagining” starring Abigail Breslin and Colt Prattes (who dat?). And from what I hear, it didn’t go so well.

Exhibit A: I woke up to this conversation in my BFF group chat.

Exhibit B:

What made the original “Dirty Dancing” so special for viewers of a certain persuasion was that it was so Jewish without being overtly Jewish. For many, Baby was the first Jewish leading lady one could really identify with on the big screen, and all the nods to Jewish culture, like summering in the Catskills, were much appreciated. With one schmear of mayo, the remake wiped all that away. Sad!

Exhibit C: WE DON’T NEED TO KEEP REMAKING EVERYTHING GODDAMNIT.

Seriously, can we just stop? The cult of nostalgia has taken over to an extreme, and now we’re not only expected to wear Steve Madden slinky sandals and scrunchies, but we need to keep watching the same things made slightly worse over and over again? From “Full House” to “Beauty and the Beast” to “RoboCop” to “Gilmore Girls,” you’d think we’ve suffered some mass lobotomy that’s removed our ability to create or enjoy original content. Can we please, please agree to leave well enough alone?

Besides, we already reached peak Abigail Breslin dance moves, and this was it:

In conclusion, this remake was a shanda and we should all be ashamed.

Molly Tolsky is the editor of Alma.

Alma is a new publication for ladies with chutzpah. Join us on Instagram and Facebook for nostalgic odes to Nicktoons, dating horror screencaps, and inspirational Beyoncé memes.

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